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Sydney – As local time ticked toward midnight, residents here rushed about buying batteries, praying for salvation, and having giddy unprotected sex. Then, it came, and all was quiet. For a minute.

At 12:01am, the Rapture was officially called off.

“Crikey, this is bullshit mate,” lamented Paul Hogan, star of the popular Crocodile Dundee movies.  Mr. Hogan left Hollywood in 1988 to found the local chapter of End Times Cloud People, an American religious club led by Christian evangelist Deacon Omega Drake.

“Where’s my blooming stairway,” Mr. Hogan spat. “I gave up Dundee 3 for this!”

The Rapture foretells the end of the world on earth, when the dead in Christ shall perish in life, and the saved few will rise to the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air, and enjoy a buffet lunch.

In 1970, Mr. Drake published the Illustrated Biblical Almanac, where he dated the creation of the world to the year 11,013 BC and the end to May 21, 2011.

His followers were rocked at the news out of Australia.

“I gave away all my shit,” said Nancy Taylor, a Little Rock club member. “Now I’ve got to get a job and buy it all back. It’s not fair!”

Others, like Sam Jones, are scrambling to put their lives back together.  Mr. Jones is in city jail after a crime spree and high-speed chase. “I always wanted to do that man,” Mr. Jones said. “I went on a serious bender, loved it.”

However, Mr. Drake urged his followers to be patient. “If you listened to all my audio-books, you would know the Rapture starts at 6:00PM local time.”

Asked why Jesus would save the chosen few separately in different time zones, Mr. Drake replied, “the Lord moves in mysterious ways.”

Dubai – On top of the world, from the observation deck of the Burj Khalifa, NBA All-Stars Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, and Chris Paul announced today the formation of an unprecedented independent basketball super-group: the American Globe Jumpers. The players are all leaving the NBA immediately to begin touring.

The Globe Jumpers’ first engagement is tonight at the Dubai Cricket Stadium versus the Washington Generals, reportedly for a $50 million dollar fee.

“We guarantee victory and the greatest show on earth,” team captain Lebron James said. “Crown Prince Sheikh Mohammed Al Maktoum loves hoops.”

The Globe Jumpers will continue touring the Middle East before returning home. “We go where da gravy’s at,” Chris Paul said. “Oil sheiks got mad cheddar. I just hope Libya cools off cause Gaddafi is a huge fan.”

Team Agent Leon Rose stated the Globe Jumpers are available for any game, any time, if the price is right. “We offer packages as low as $20 million per show. We can play the Generals, we can play your national team, your employees, or even your kids. Five on five, ten on five, whatever you want.”

“We’ll do your boy’s bar mitzvah if you got the coin,” Dwight Howard explained.

The All-Stars agreed that teaming up was the only way to keep playing basketball. “The NBA is an 82 game grind,” Dwayne Wade said. “And anything can happen in the playoffs. It’s not worth the stress. I wanted to get all the guys on the Heat, but there’s some salary cap issue.”

“This is just about winning games and having fun with friends,” Lebron explained. “And getting paid. A lot.”

Former Knick Carmelo Anthony agreed. “I take my hat off to myself for leaving New York after one game. It wasn’t easy, but this was the best move for me and my family.”

The Globe Jumpers’ next engagement will be at the Saudi Royal Palace, hosted by Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, who is reportedly worth $20 billion dollars.  There, they will be joined by NBA veteran Matt Bonner, formerly of the San Antonio Spurs. “Market research shows audiences like at least one white guy on the bench for high-fives,” Mr. Rose said.

“Everybody loves the Red Rocket,” Howard laughed.

“We want to be global entertainers and icons, and also win championships,” Lebron continued. “That’s why we’re all going to give ourselves big trophies at the end of the tour.”

Madison – Schools were closed here for a fifth consecutive day as teachers flocked to the Capitol to protest cuts to their summer vacation time. The Wisconsin Teachers Union asserted “every teacher is entitled to at least three months off as an inalienable God-given right.” Indeed, union officials are calling for an additional month break in exchange for concessions on pensions and health care premiums. “You mess with the bull, you get the horns,” spokesperson Roger Arenson said.

“They took away free coverage for Viagra and now this. We’re going to make it as hard as possible.”

Governor Walker, meanwhile, has proposed shortening summer vacation to two months as part of his WISE UP program. Wisconsin teachers would not receive additional pay. “The Chinese study year round, sixteen hours a day,” the Governor explained. “We’re way behind and broke. We cannot afford to raise a generation of Cheeseheads.”

Negotiations are at a standstill as both sides dig in. Matthew Clay, a social studies teacher from Milwaukee, warned protesters would not back down. “We will go straight up Egypt on their ass. I got a bag of rocks to throw if shit hits the fan.”

The State Legislature is paralyzed to act as Democratic lawmakers have fled to prevent a quorum. Speaking from an undisclosed location in the Florida Keys, Minority Leader Hal Stevens said his caucus would stay away until Republicans withdrew plans to spoil teachers’ summer vacation. “We don’t want to be here. This is the will of the people.”

Tuesday, Monica McCarthy marched around the Capitol rotunda and waived a hand-made sign: “Save My Summer.” She’s been camping out here for a week. “How can they expect us to work more than nine months a year? It’s insane. Have you ever tried to backpack around the world in less than three months? I tell my kids you have to stick to your dreams. And I told the substitute teacher to keep telling them that as long as it takes.”

Washington, D.C. – Aboard an international flight, a man disappears into the bathroom. Minutes later a small explosion rips through the plane, sending it spiraling into an American city. A terrorist attack. The bomb – one liter of liquid explosive secreted in the man’s large intestine.

Such is the scenario envisioned in a classified Transportation Security Administration memorandum entitled “Guidelines for Enhanced Internal Screening,” released today to news media by SweetLeaks.

The Guidelines anticipate “an internally secreted attack is highly likely foreseeable in the future.” To prevent that attack, the TSA plans to install a new screening device at airports – the PAL 9000.

The PAL 9000 is described as an “artificial intelligence imaging machine” developed by PAL Laboratories in Urbana, Illinois. The Guidelines state the device has “100 mm detection capability” designed to “examine passengers at key access points in their anatomy.”

Instructional diagrams indicate two points in men and three in women.

“No robot is getting all in my business!” Shaunte Green exclaimed, waiting to board today at Dulles International. Fellow passengers agreed another invasive security measure was too much to bear. “At some point, enough is enough,” Chad Sanders said. “If some terrorist nutjob got a bomb up his butt, you gotta throw up your hands. The world’s gone to shit.”

TSA Administrator John S. Pistole defended the probing plan. “We were late on the shoe bomber and the underwear guy. We need to get ahead of the terror curve. We’re going on the offensive.”

Experts agreed a large volume of liquid can be stored in and retrieved from the human body. “I saw a guy smuggled in six gallons of whiskey one time,” Ken Wiggins, Chief Inspector of the Federal  Bureau of Prisons, said. “Ran a bar right out of his cell. Anything that can be regurgitated, eliminated, or…you know, it’s been done, I’ve seen it. Weird stuff too, like pudding.”

However, some counter-terrorism officials have denounced the TSA plan. “We can’t react to every threat, real or imagined, by layering on security,” said Bob Clarke. “After Richard Reid, the shoes come off. After the underwear bomber, strip search body scanners and genital pat-downs. Gels, liquids, ink cartridges… We can play defense all day, but if we don’t win the battle of ideas, the struggle for hearts and minds, it’s only a matter of time.”

Others, like Security Institute analyst Martin Nash, support more proactive data-based profiling, in line with the Israeli procedures. “The underwear bomber bought a one way ticket in cash with no bags and was on a watch list. Raise any red flags?”

Civil rights advocates are up in arms against any probing. ACLU Director Adrien Marcel excoriated the PAL 9000 as “an unparalleled invasion of privacy.”

But Administrator Pistole insists the PAL 9000 is effective and 100% non-intrusive. “The computer hovers over the relevant access point and scans internal anatomy. Deep inside. If the picture is clean, the passenger proceeds, it’s that simple. Nobody looks at anything inappropriate. PAL does everything.”

Passengers can also decline PAL 9000 screening. According to the Guidelines, “manual inspection” by TSA representatives will be alternatively available.

“We’ve got some holes in airport security,” Pistole continued. “You know that, I know that, and the terrorists know that. We’re taking a hard look at those holes, and one way or another, we’re going to fill them.”

Biloxi, MS – On Sunday afternoon, Charlie Cobb trudged into the marsh again, rainbow splotched water filling his footprints. He unspooled his sixteenth roll of Brawny paper towels and wiped down another oil-coated fern. But this time the dark red fronds didn’t smudge back to green. Mr. Cobb, an out of work crabber and father of two, could not believe what he had found: the fabled location from Wilson Rawls’ classic children’s book Where the Red Fern Grows.

“My sixth grader is reading it right now,” Mr. Cobb said.

Long rumored to lie somewhere in the Mississippi wetlands, the site Where the Red Fern Grows has eluded searchers for decades. Mr. Rawls, who based the book on his childhood adventures, went to his grave with the location secret.

Where the Red Fern Grows tells the story of a boy named Billy who buys and trains two redbone coonhound hunting dogs, Old Dan and Little Ann. One day, Billy comes across a mountain lion, who attacks the dogs. Old Dan is badly wounded and dies.  Little Ann soon follows, unable to live without him. Billy buries the dogs side by side. When he returns to the graves for a final goodbye, he finds a red fern has grown between them. According to Indian legend, only an angel can plant a red fern and wherever it grows is sacred.

More than three months since BP stopped the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, workers continue to clean hundreds of miles of soiled shoreline from Louisiana to the Florida panhandle. The marsh Where the Red Fern Grows, the Mississippi Sandhill Crane National Wildlife Refuge, received “moderate to heavy oiling,” according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

For two weeks, Mr. Cobb and a crew of BP contractors have scoured and scrubbed the marsh, plant by plant. However, scientists caution the clean-up cannot undo all the damage. “Once the oil reaches the roots, it’s game over,” Tulane biologist Bobby Boucher said.

Today BP lowered a containment dome over the red fern site, to seal the plant off from further contamination. But it may already be too late. The live video feed appeared to show the red fern turning decisively toward brown.

Mr. Cobb was distraught at the sight. “What can I tell my son? It’s gone? Forever?”

BP spokesman Marcus Halberstam urged everyone to “wait and see” and promised “no matter what happens, we’re going to make this right.”

Washington, D.C. – GOP leaders are turning up the heat on President Obama by threatening to turn off the thermostat at the White House this winter. “It’s like a sauna in there,” incoming House Speaker John Boehner said. “You can practically see the taxpayer dollars evaporating.”

Senator Mitch McConnell declared that defunding the bill is his number one priority. “It’s fiscally irresponsible to have the heat cranked this early in November,” the Senator said. “The high today is 60 degrees for god sake. I know President Obama claims he was born out in Hawaii, and grew up in Indonesia, so he’s used to warm climates. But this is America, and in this economy, you’ve got to layer up.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs flatly denied any excessive energy use. “We keep it well within the normal range of room temperature from 68 to 80 degrees,” Mr. Gibbs said.

However, Mr. Boehner insists he was “sweating balls” during a recent visit. “The bill is out of control and the President is out of touch,” Mr. Boehner continued. “We’re running up a tab with Chinese to keep him nice and toasty. It’s got to stop. I don’t even want to see the electric. They always have the lights on.”

In an amended Pledge to America, Republicans have made cutting the heat bill the central plank of their deficit reduction and energy policies. “The American people sent a message in the midterms, loud and clear, that they want us to turn down the thermostat, maybe even off at night,” Mr. Boehner said.

But Republicans cannot take control of the budget purse strings until January 3, 2011, when the new session of Congress begins and they have a majority in the House. In January, the average high temperature for Washington, D.C. is 42 degrees, with a low of 27. “God help us if we fail,” Senator McConnell said.

In the meantime, Mr. Boehner begged the President to chill out. “Put on a sweater,” he smiled. “It worked for Jimmy Carter.”

New York, NY – Across the country, state and federal courts are reporting jury pools packed with eager candidates, some even toting resumes. Attorneys are struggling to pick juries with so many to choose from. “They’re all very polite, neutral, non-committal, and boring,” complained defense attorney Jack Armstrong. “How the hell am I supposed to voir dire these people?”

Court administrators are overwhelmed. “Normally, you summons a whole lot of folks and hope they don’t all show up,” New York County Commissioner of Jurors Oscar Martinez said. “Now everybody’s here.”

“It’s wonderful,” beamed Judge Roscoe Pound of New York State Supreme Court. “The jury is essential to democracy and every citizen should jump at the chance to get in the box and do their civic duty.”

However, economists speculate the surge in interest is actually attributable to persistent unemployment and the expiration of benefits. The national unemployment rate registers at 9.6%. Taking into account the underemployed, the rate rises to 17%. Meanwhile, many out of work Americans have exhausted state unemployment benefits. The federal government’s Emergency Unemployment Compensation program runs out on November 30, 2010.

$40 per day is the jury fee for New York State courts. If service extends beyond 30 days, the court may authorize an additional $6 per day. Empaneled jurors can continue to collect unemployment benefits.

At 111 Centre Street, members of the petit jury pool agreed the pay is lousy but so is the economy. “I’ve been out of work for a year,” admitted one man who asked not to be identified. “I wanted to do something productive, and the money doesn’t hurt.”

Another potential juror recalled she used to avoid jury duty “like the plague.” Now she’ll do whatever it takes to get picked.

“You do not want an attorney to strike your ass for cause,” the woman said. “Yeah I’ve gotten sued a bunch of times and was lead plaintiff in a class action. My brother’s a cop and I hate doctors. And I’m off my meds. I ain’t telling them any of that. I’m a blank slate baby. Model citizen.”

“Five dollars an hour is better than nothing,” the woman continued. “I just hope I get a six month securities fraud conspiracy trial. After 30 days, that’s when the big bucks start rolling in.”

New York, NY – When Tom Callahan moved into his apartment at 11 East 17th Street, he assumed the two-story scaffolding outside was for a temporary construction project. Six years later, the scaffolding rises ten stories, enveloping the entire building in steel support piping.

“It’s like living in a cage,” Mr. Callahan complained.

That, it turns out, is precisely the point.

The scaffolding is the brainchild of the controversial artist known as Stroganoff. Stroganoff exploded onto the art scene several years ago when he placed pasta mannequins in parks around the city. The “Pasta People” were nibbled and dismembered in what art critics called a searing statement on humanity.

Stroganoff’s scaffolding delivers another artistic vision: “The Bars.”

“We are all imprisoned,” he said. “Within the cold gray lattice of life.”

Building owner Ray Zalinsky agreed on the exhibit to “jazz up the joint.” But residents have had enough of the eyesore. “That’s art,” Mr. Zalinsky explained. “Different strokes for different folks.”

There are currently no plans to remove the scaffolding. “It is a living beast,” Stroganoff said. “We give the skeleton bones and the beast grows.”

As for Mr. Callahan, he’s canceling his lease. “I’m breaking out of here,” he said. “Call it performance art.”

Trenton, NJ – Governor Chris Christie unveiled a bold transportation project today, calling for the construction of hundreds of commuter swimming lanes between New Jersey and New York.

“We will hit the water running,” he declared.

Earlier, the budget-slashing Republican canceled a proposed rail tunnel under the Hudson River that would have doubled commuter-train service to Manhattan, amidst fears of cost overruns for the cash-strapped state.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood called the decision “a devastating blow” to New Jersey commuters and the state’s economy.

But Christie reassured residents that his “Open Water” initiative is the answer. “We’re not going to dig our way out of this mess. We’ll swim out.”

Open Water will bridge the 4000 feet separating the states with a series of buoyed swimming lanes. Advanced swimmers will have access to special Fast Lanes. Lifeguards will monitor traffic in kayaks, and lockers will be available for storage on both sides.

“It’s time to man up and suit up,” Christie said. “We’re out of shape and out of money.”

State Senator Stephen M. Sweeney was aghast at the plan. “Imagine where our country would be if not for the backbone built by 200 years of investment in roads, canals, railroads, and interstates.”

Despite the critics, Christie is confident in the future. “Have you ever backstroked the Hudson in February? It’s invigorating!”

Syracuse, NY – Despite a bruising campaign for New York State Governor, lead candidates Andrew Cuomo and Carl Paladino broke bread together last night here at the Spaghetti Warehouse. In fact, restaurant manager Chip Douglas reported the two men took down half a dozen hot loaves of the signature bottomless sour dough. Mr. Paladino urged the waitress, Mary Swanson, to “keep ’em coming.”

Both candidates were in town for campaign events earlier in the day. Mr. Paladino, a Republican real estate developer from Buffalo, spoke at the Destiny USA mega mall construction site, proclaiming “If you build it, they will come.” Mr. Cuomo held a closed-door meeting with high value donors.

Diners were stunned to see the bitter opponents smiling over several carafes of lambrusco. “They were joking about that Rent Is Too Damn High guy,” Ms. Swanson said. “I know he looks crazy, but he’s got a point.”

When it came time to order, they unanimously agreed on the lasagna. “At the end of the day, they’re proud Italian-Americans,” Mr. Douglas said. “Sure they got different styles, and they fight, but it’s like Sonny and Michael Corleone, you know.”

Indeed, Mr. Paladino was seen chiding Mr. Cuomo goodnaturedly for not finishing his pasta. And after dinner, the two retired to the restaurant arcade with a roll of quarters. However, Mr. Paladino erupted in anger when he discovered the Simpsons game was gone. Apparently, he vowed to “find the scum who stole it and take him out.” The candidates eventually settled on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Later outside, local media asked them why they chose Spaghetti Warehouse, a budget restaurant, for their dinner detente. The candidates agreed “In these hard times, New Yorkers are tightening their belts, and we have to do the same.” Mr. Douglas was skeptical. “After the fifteen layer? No chance.”