Mountain View, CA – Calling it his “life’s work, the Holy Grail, and culmination of modern civilization,” Google CEO Larry Page revealed the stunning secret purpose of his company’s amazing wearable computer: virtual pornography. During a five minute demo of the Gl-Ass headset, Mr. Page twice stopped to stoop-walk to the bathroom after requesting hand lotion from the media.
“Search, images, video, maps, email, chat, android–it was all leading up to this,” Mr. Page continued, unable to look away from the small clear lens mounted below his right eye. “Man has always dared to dream the impossible. Now that dream is a reality. My work here is done.” Then, Mr. Page dropped the mic and walked off-stage to thunderous applause from the male-dominated crowd.
Google stock soared to over $2,000 per share until the NASDAQ was shut down due to unprecedented volume trading. With the “release” date for the full consumer version still months away, Google announced it would offer a limited number of head-sets for beta testing. A mob of over a thousand men gathered almost instantly outside the company’s Mountain View headquarters.
The Kleenex-packing horde smashed down doors and bludgeoned security guards, forcing their way into the new product division, only to find out the demos were still being manufactured in China. As police arrived on the scene, several men were interrogating employees for Mr. Page’s home address.
“It’s for my girlfriend,” one man insisted, raising his hands for the police, an old gym sock dangling from his front pocket.
At press time, there were no confirmed arrests, and the SWAT team members had reportedly joined in a charter flight to Shanghai.
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