New York – A local man was rushed to the hospital today after walking directly into traffic wearing the new “360 surround” Beats Helmet by Dr. Dre. When paramedics finally pried the $500 headgear off the fallen Jeff Anderson, witnesses reported hearing unintelligible lyrics and “rich bass sound.”
According to authorities, the accident is the latest in a series of mishaps involving the Beats Helmet. A Bronx man reportedly ignored shouted warnings and fell down an open elevator shaft, while a Brooklyn family almost roasted after not hearing their smoke detector. And last night’s Times Square melee was apparently sparked by several youths bumping helmets.
“Live in your own world,” Dr. Dre suggests in the Beats Helmet ad campaign. “Listen to you.”
Boasting a “unique immersive listening experience,” the helmet features noise-cancelling technology, spherical acoustics, and zero peripheral vision. All with the signature cache brand stamped on the forehead. Also available in black. Experts indicate the helmet does not, however, provide any more safety value than wearing a brown paper bag.
As sales continue to explode among professional athletes, politicians, subway commuters, and cool kids at the bus stop, officials are preparing for a public health crisis caused by the “willfully deaf.” Reached for comment, Jeff Anderson turned up the volume on his cheap hospital headphones to the tune of Mos Def.
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