Bloomington, MN – A line of tents snaked around the Mall of America just after midnight, shoppers with lawn chairs waiting for stores to open for Black Friday. When a dozen police officers ordered the crowd to disperse, they refused. Mary Chapman had been waiting 24 hours for a door-buster deal at Best Buy. Suddenly, pain seared across her face. She ran blindly into the parking lot, screaming, and lost her place in line.
“Merry fucking Christmas,” she cried. “I skipped Thanksgiving, for nothing! Holy Lord I want my HDTV!”
Several shoppers were sent to area hospitals, and a man dressed as Santa Claus shot with rubber bullets was reported in stable condition.
But most shoppers remained undeterred. “I got constitutional rights to be here,” Winston Jones declared, rubbing his eyes. “This is what democracy looks like. Our country was built on buying useless crap.”
Police Chief Stan Mahoney quickly issued a statement apologizing for the incident. “We thought it was Occupy Wall Street. We acted to defuse a potentially explosive situation. They were on private property. Camping.”
Finally the doors opened and the crowd rushed inside, chanting “we are the 99%, and we want up to 75% off manufacturer’s suggested retail price!”
Mr. Jones emerged hours later, battered but smiling, with a copy of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 for the Playstation. “Democracy is exhausting,” he decided. “I’m gonna go occupy my couch.”
unfortunately, this story is actually 100% true.