“Universal Body Armor” Proposed by Republicans

vestWashington – In the wake of the worst mass shooting in American history, Republicans have proposed a bold plan to protect public safety: bullet-proof vests.

New legislation would provide free body armor to every man, woman, and child, including Kevlar helmets. “Every American has the right to be safe,” declared Speaker Paul Ryan, the bill’s sponsor. “They also have the right to shoot any weapon up to and including a ballistic missile.”

The Make America Safe Again Act was introduced today in a Rose Garden ceremony, followed by a demonstration where administration officials took turns sniping at each other, the rounds falling harmlessly to the White House lawn.

“We have to take care of our people,” President Trump stated solemnly, before joining in with an AR-15 Assault Rifle.

Under the new “universal body armor” plan, the federal government will provide free coverage for any tactical protection device, with no exceptions or out of pocket costs. Ryan called the “single payer” system a breakthrough.

“The health of our people comes first,” Ryan said. Asked if that included actual healthcare services, Ryan demurred. “Let’s not get crazy.”

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