Thailand – In a shocking turn of events, all twelve members of the Wild Boars soccer team returned to their subterranean home today, just days after a miraculous underwater rescue.
The boys reported being disenchanted with life above ground.
Entering the flooded chamber once again, one boy, who asked not to be named, exclaimed “Fuck this shit” and then disappeared.
Another boy waiting explained “Ever since we got out, they won’t leave us alone. It blows bigtime. Anderson Cooper keeps calling me! Trump wants us to visit the White House. And Facebook is just the worst.”
His friend, a 15 year-old, agreed. “I don’t want to go home. My mom says I have to clean my room and get a summer job.”
Indeed, in the days after the boys were discovered in the cave, they apparently enjoyed themselves with supplies ferried in by Thai Navy Seal divers, including 12 Nintendo Switch portable gaming devices.
“I got pretty good at Mario Kart,” one boy grinned.
The trapped boys took to calling their home the Ultimate Man Cave. And now, they’re scuba-diving back, this time with more gear, courtesy of the mini-submarine left by Elon Musk.
“We’ve got a PS4, with Fortnite, a boombox, some serious tunes. And oh yeah, Taco Bell.” The two boys high-fived.
Narongsak Osatanakorn, the lead rescue official, described the boys’ actions as symptomatic of “classic separation anxiety.” “They became psychologically bonded, not only to each other, but to the cave itself. We’ve seen this before with the Chilean miners.”
“We must give them whatever they need,” he continued. “We must wait until they’re ready to rejoin society.”
Informed of the official’s opinion, the last boy just smiled and started his dive.