Rapture Arrives Early in Australia, No Sign of Christ

Sydney – As local time ticked toward midnight, residents here rushed about buying batteries, praying for salvation, and having giddy unprotected sex. Then, it came, and all was quiet. For a minute.

At 12:01am, the Rapture was officially called off.

“Crikey, this is bullshit mate,” lamented Paul Hogan, star of the popular Crocodile Dundee movies.  Mr. Hogan left Hollywood in 1988 to found the local chapter of End Times Cloud People, an American religious club led by Christian evangelist Deacon Omega Drake.

“Where’s my blooming stairway,” Mr. Hogan spat. “I gave up Dundee 3 for this!”

The Rapture foretells the end of the world on earth, when the dead in Christ shall perish in life, and the saved few will rise to the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air, and enjoy a buffet lunch.

In 1970, Mr. Drake published the Illustrated Biblical Almanac, where he dated the creation of the world to the year 11,013 BC and the end to May 21, 2011.

His followers were rocked at the news out of Australia.

“I gave away all my shit,” said Nancy Taylor, a Little Rock club member. “Now I’ve got to get a job and buy it all back. It’s not fair!”

Others, like Sam Jones, are scrambling to put their lives back together.  Mr. Jones is in city jail after a crime spree and high-speed chase. “I always wanted to do that man,” Mr. Jones said. “I went on a serious bender, loved it.”

However, Mr. Drake urged his followers to be patient. “If you listened to all my audio-books, you would know the Rapture starts at 6:00PM local time.”

Asked why Jesus would save the chosen few separately in different time zones, Mr. Drake replied, “the Lord moves in mysterious ways.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s