Burbank – A new miracle diet that melts away the pounds without exercise. Sound too good to be true? This is the Guantanamo Diet – the latest sensation among celebrities and skeleton enthusiasts.
Based on the involuntary enteral eating program at the American Naval Base, the diet requires “detainees” to wear a fashionable feeding tube twice a day, which delivers direct to the stomach a life-sustaining liquid ration custom made by nutrition guru and former prison guard Ralph Sampson.
“I can even feed while driving,” Kim Kardashian raved, giving her “fuel pouch” a gentle squeeze. “It’s like the South Beach diet, but farther south I think.” Kardashian hopes to shed eighty pounds of baby weight before the end of the summer. “I can’t wait to get in a bright orange swim-suit!” she smiled.
“Into the nose and down it goes,” Mr. Sampson says in the instruction guide, which recommends nasal lubricant and slow, steady pressure on the pouch to avoid stomach upset and bloating. The guide also includes testimonials from some of the original success stories.
Abdalmalik Wahab, a Guantanamo resident since 2002, lost over sixty pounds in just three months on the amazing diet, dropping from 195 to a slim and wheelchair-bound 129. “I can count all my ribs,” he said. “If only they could see me in Yemen now!”