Skokie, IL – As eager shoppers arrived at the Westfield mall before dawn this icy morning, they were greeted with an unusual sight: burning crosses. Then a group of white-hooded figures emerged from a windowless van and doffed their coats.
“The mall’s closed for Black Friday,” they declared shivering in the full regalia of the Klu Klux Klan. Grand Deputy Wizard Stu Jackwell stepped forward and denounced the creation of a new “African holiday.”
“Black history month wasn’t enough?” Jackwell demanded. “Now they want another day, and the Kenyan hands them affirmative action deals at the mall.”
The chapter’s newest member, former NFL offensive lineman Richie Incognito, stood blocking the doors against rushers. “They totally ruined eating at TGIF,” Incognito added. “And how about we get one like White Power Wednesday or Saturday’s alright for fighting like Elton John said?”
After updating his Facebook status, Jackwell also called on the growing crowd to “rise against the machines” on Cyber Monday. “Robots can take our jobs and pleasure our women, but they can never take our freedom!”
Finally mall security opened up and informed the Klansmen that Black Friday applied to all shoppers. They immediately started running toward Macy’s. “These sheets are more summer wear,” Jackwell explained. “And there’s a doorbuster on down comforters.”