Obama Admits Reading Daughters’ Text Messages

obama-blackberryWashington – “Big Papa is watching u” read the text message on the iPhone of Miles Slater, a sixteen year old at the exclusive Sidwell Friends School here attended by President Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha. Mr. Slater reportedly started receiving texts from an anonymous number two weeks ago, around the same time he asked Malia to “go steady.”

“Keep it safe ;)” the phone buzzed, as the pair held hands one day. Then, the night of the Sidwell Summer Dance, “Keep it in your pants.” When Mr. Slater took Malia on their first date, and they eluded her Secret Service detail for a few moments, he received a warning: “I can kill people. It’s no big thing…LOL.”

Panicked, Mr. Slater asked a hacker friend to trace the messages. They were coming from the White House. After Mr. Slater posted the news on a Reddit forum, a part-time NSA contractor/massage therapist blew the lid off a massive surveillance program, specifically targeting the First Daughters.

C.H.A.S.T.E. monitors all cellphone calls, messages and online activity involving Malia and Sasha, with cooperation from Verizon, which carries the Obamas’ family talk plan, Google, Comcast, Facebook, and Twitter.

“There will be no sexting on my watch,” President Obama declared at a morning press conference, thumbing through last night’s chatter and shaking his head. “Does anyone know what LMFR means? WTF is YOLO?”

The President denied diverting an NSA satellite to spy on his daughters, but defended his right to use any means to protect them. “We must be vigilant to keep our children safe, because they are the future. And father knows best.”

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