New York – “We must put down the fast food and put our hands on the wheel, ten and two, and set a course for safety,” the Mayor declared, standing before an assortment of organic lettuce wraps.
The Mayor’s Office released statistics today showing more than half of city car accidents involve hand-held comestibles. On Saturday morning, three men were seriously injured when the driver of a minivan lost control just blocks from a popular midtown Halal truck.
“There was white sauce, hot sauce, and rice everywhere,” reported Officer Edward Ramirez. “It smelled fantastic.”
“Driving while eating is driving reckless,” said Traffic Safety Commissioner Paul Stevens. “Even a slice of pizza is dangerous. A large two-hand burrito reduces your reaction time more than a dozen alcoholic beverages. If the burrito loses tortilla integrity, catastrophe is statistically inevitable.”
However, some critics see the prohibition as another heavy-handed intrusion on individual rights under the guise of public health. Bloomberg has previously proposed banning the sale of plus size sodas and other sugary beverages as part of his S.L.O.B. initiative. The critics dismiss any safety concerns.
“What you think knees are for?” asked veteran cabbie Jimmy “The Jet” Smith. “I can cruise better with one leg, saucing a dog and reading the Post, than some tourist from Yonkers. Don’t mess with a man’s wheels.”
Livery driver Kenny “Cheese” Masters agreed. “I ain’t sitting down for no Nobu, know what I’m saying. I got a Foreman riding shotgun with Velveeta and white. In this game, you stop driving, you start dying.”
Commissioner Stevens assured drivers certain small packaged foodstuffs will still be permitted. “You can always have a nice Nutri-Grain Bar,” he said.
“Nutri-what?” exclaimed Masters. “When I get hungry, you know I lose my shit. Like I might eat someone’ s face off.”
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