Washington, D.C. – Restless men are sharpening their harpoons today, after the Trump administration declared that the “war on whaling” is officially over. At a special ceremony in the Oval Office, the president signed an executive order to renounce the Endangered Species Act of 1973 and withdraw from the International Whaling Convention of 1946.
With the stroke of a scrimshawed whale-bone pen, Trump promised to bring back lost jobs for harpooners, lancers, blubber cutters, kettle-minders, coopers, coilers, steerers and stewards. Trump also vowed to set a course for energy independence, by targeting the “floating reservoirs” of whale oil, which can be used for lighting, heating, soap, and processing textiles and rope.
“Moby Dick’s days are numbered,” Trump boasted at the White House, adding that whalers would hunt only the biggest game – leviathans of the deep like Blue Whales, Sperm Whales, and Humpbacks, and not “sad little fish” like Belugas.
Later, the president tweeted “Japs killing us. . . Make America Whale Again!” But as sailors rushed to port for the promise of a Nantucket sleigh ride, they learned that a private whaling fleet had already departed, crewed by robot replacements.
Back at the White House, Trump had already changed tack. “We need to start logging again,” the president declared. “Huge trees. Redwoods, Sequoias, the National Parks, think of the firewood.” Experts warned such efforts would add pollution and deplete oxygen in the atmosphere.
Trump dismissed concerns, crowing on twitter: “Photosynthesis is a Myth!”