Washington, DC – Across the internet, websites went dark Wednesday to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act. Across the country, critical research, garage sales, and “massage” services went undone without Wikipedia and Craigslist. However, SOPA was only stopped when the bill sponsors themselves discovered that online pornography was no longer available.
“We went way too far,” admitted Congressman Lamar Smith (R-TX).
Critics had contended that SOPA could lead to censorship of online content and force some websites to shut down.
“It’s like my grandmother wrote this bill,” said analyst Skip Maxwell. “And she calls the internet the Matrix, and thinks Keanu Reeves lives in it somewhere.”
“The language is so broad, the rules so far removed from the reality of technology,” Mr. Maxwell continued. “And the penalties, worse than you get smuggling crack into Singapore.”
Even so, until Wednesday, Congressman Smith had championed SOPA as a “deadly six-shooter” in the fight against online trafficking in intellectual property, calling the proposed blackout a “publicity stunt.”
According to sources, the 31 sponsors of the bill held an emergency meeting after they learned that a number of popular pornography websites had simply disappeared. “There was a lot of yelling, like the sky was falling or something,” said one staffer, who asked to remain anonymous. “The blackout got real.”
Jimmy “Skin” Sanchez, owner and operator of StreetMeat.com, confirmed his website was one of those supporting the blackout.
“Most of my shit is legit, you know, straight amateur,” said Mr. Sanchez. “But I let folks upload anything they want. SOPA says one copyrighted video is enough to shut me down. Bullshit. I can’t check every video. Believe me, I like to watch, but there’s only so many hours in the day.”
Congressman Smith has reportedly started working on new legislation to exempt certain websites. “He’s making a loophole for porn,” explained Mr. Maxwell.
“Loop-hole?” asked Mr. Sanchez. “Oh, yeah, we got loads of those videos.”
News Breakage 