Hipster Loses Leg in Skinny Jeans Accident

too-skinny-jeansBrooklyn – Paramedics rushed to a vintage VHS rental store in Williamsburg today, but arrived too late to save the leg of curator Cole Stanton. “Thought it was just asleep,” Mr. Stanton lamented as they wheeled him out.

An EMT described the leg as “gangrenous and cadaverous,” and said Mr. Stanton was lucky to be alive. Friends reported that Stanton had not changed pants since a Bon Iver concert last summer.

“They were his favorite blues,” paperclip artist Trip Anderson confirmed. The Second Skin signature denim jeans retail for three hundred dollars and are available in three sizes: skinny, anorexic, and Christian Bale in The Machinist.

“We got him up a ladder, lubed the legs, and he jumped in,” Mr. Anderson continued. “They looked swag.”

Doctors warn that while amputation is rare, skinny jeans can also cause serious nerve damage if the thigh is compressed. “If you are experiencing tingling and numbness, you may suffer from a condition known as meralgia paresthetica,” Doctor Peter Venkman said. “You may also be a complete tool.”

Asked why Mr. Stanton only exhibited symptoms in one leg, Dr. Venkman indicated that while probing to determine muscle tone and skeletal girth, he detected significant development in the right quadriceps. “Very unusual for hipsters, unless they skateboard.”

Mr. Stanton, 45, confirmed that he skates to work every day, pushing with his right leg. Lying in the surgical recovery room, he worried that his shredding days were over. But then he lifted up the sheet and smiled. Instead of a modern metal prosthetic, there was an unusual carved wooden leg.

“Hand-made in Brooklyn,” Mr. Stanton beamed. “Old board-walk planking from Coney Island. It’s totally vintage!”

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