Yorktown Heights, NY – After almost seven million seconds of processing, the IBM Watson system has computed that in 99.8% of calculable scenarios, it is what it is. Scientists indicate the rare exceptions include McRib sandwiches, miracle bras, 8 minute abs, and the U.S. economic recovery.
The conclusion came as no surprise to business executives, sports coaches, and cliche enthusiasts. “I guess that’s that,” the Knicks’ Mike Woodson said. “Whatever happens happens.”
But elsewhere philosophers hailed a breakthrough. “It’s so deceptively simple,” Brice Tanner said. “Just like 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.”
Ever since humans started scratching charcoal on cave walls, they have asked the same question, “What is it?” In 1989, the rock band Faith No More first proposed a theory in their hit single Epic, wherein lead singer Mike Patton concluded “It’s it.” In 1990 Bruce Hornsby put the question to piano and synthesizer, extrapolating further with “That’s just the way it is.”
After its initial success on Jeopardy, several failed business ventures, and a falling out with the NSA mainframe, the Watson supercomputer had pondered its own purpose until it ran across across the 1986 Stephen King novel It during a routine data harvest. Unable to enter sleep mode, Watson put its CPU into overdrive on the question at the center of it all.
Scientists indicate the machine may still be unsatisfied, however, and has since started work on whether the grass is in fact greener on the other side.