Hackers Appalled at “Banal” American Data


Russia – Members of the hacking collective “Thirsty Bears” expressed disappointment today, as an online auction on the dark web for stolen American identities ended with zero bids.

“Nobody wants this crap,” lamented one member, identified only as Mr. X. “There’s nothing interesting in the email accounts and their credit is already maxed out!”

As Yahoo announced that data on 500 million of its users was stolen in 2014, the secretive group revealed that trove had long ago been sold off. “I think we got like twenty bucks and a USB drive keychain,” Mr. X continued, shaking his head.

Security experts attribute the decline in the market for Americans’ hacked data to a string of breaches that have repeatedly exposed their digital details.

At the collective, another member sat beside Mr. X, sifting through the latest hack for anything of value. “Who are these freaking people?” Ms. Y wondered. “Every email is about Brangelina breaking up. And every single password is their dog, and they’re all named Bailey!”

Mr. X added that the hacker known as “Guccifer 2.0” could not even find a taker for another batch of emails from Hillary Clinton. “I heard they’re 99% fliers from Pottery Barn.”

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