New Range Rover Impervious to Motorcycle Attacks

“Luxury, Reliability, Performance, and Wheel Mounted Retractable Scythes.” Welcome to the all new Range Rover B.I.G. Class.

In the wake of the Manhattan assault of Range Rover driver Alex Lien and his family by a gang of two-wheel bandits, Tata Motors (TTM NYSE) is unveiling an enhanced version of its popular sports utility vehicle, featuring leather seats, bullet and helmet proof windows, run-flat tires, and a computer-controlled suspension to roll over motorcycles without spilling a drop of espresso.

Sources indicate that RR drivers, while pleased with the spine-crunching power displayed in the assault video, were concerned with the vehicle’s vulnerabilities. Now the only thing they have to fear is running out of gas.

“Your chariot awaits,” announced company spokesman Sebastian Terrell. The notorious Rover comes standard with “Rabble Mode.” At the touch of a button, serrated blades extend from the titanium wheel hubs and additional power is diverted to the drive train to plow through hoodlums, hippies, and paparazzi like freshly fallen snow. In addition, a soothing soundtrack automates from the Dolby Surround speakers with options including gentle waves, summer rain, or the hushed broadcast of the 1986 Masters won by Jack Nicklaus.

“Enhance your calm,” Mr. Terrell smiled. “Enjoy the climate controlled air, if you’s a true player. And whatever life puts in your way, keep rolling.”

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