Roscoe, NY – A local man is behind bars today, after being caught orange-handed, in flagrante delicto, “carving” a 200 lb prize-winning pumpkin.
Authorities confirmed that the suspect, Jack O. Lantern, is also responsible for a string of disturbances at patches in the area. Farmers have reported perforated pumpkins and sometimes much worse–barely recognizable heaps of orange pulp and strewn seeds.
According to experts, the fall season brings out a cornucopia of tumescent temptations for those with a so-called “gourd fetish.”
At the Abbott farm on Route 17, even hardened detectives were shaken by the scene. “We think he had a three-some with a Butternut Squash,” one said, shaking his head.
Mr. Lantern is charged with Indecent Exposure, Conversion, and Peforming a Lewd Act with a Fruit or Vegetable.
His lawyer, Jake Calabaza, announced in a statement that Lantern was innocent of the charges. “His only crime is loving Halloween,” Calabaza said.
Trick or treat indeed.