Athens – Who needs cheddar when you’ve got feta? Teetering on financial collapse, amidst empty ATMs and shuttered banks, Greece officially pulled out of the European Union today and declared feta cheese the national currency.
Jittery financial markets ticked upward, and feta was trading well against the dollar with one liter of brined white curds at $3.07.
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras announced that “gumball-style” machines were being installed at all major retailers of flip-flops.
“I’m rich!” cried Achilles Kousis, as he pushed an overflowing wheelbarrow through Omonia Square, leaving a trail of cheesy pearls.
With vast reserves of sheep and goat’s milk, experts indicate that feta could sustain the Greek economy indefinitely.
Prime Minister Tsipras also announced that “with the liquidity situation solved,” all Greek citizens could “take the rest of the summer off.”
Celebratory feta fights immediately broke out across the nation, with Greeks gorging on fistfuls of soft curds and building “snow-men” in the streets.
As night fell, a carpet of crumbly white covered this ancient city, and officials warned that feta supplies were already running low. Economic Minister Yanis Varoufakis shook his head. “Well I guess we still have yogurt.”