Detroit – “Two beds, man and woman, separate but equal,” Senator Santorum proclaimed. “Thou shall not spoon.”
The Republican primary candidate paused his campaign here today to unveil a new missal for America: Rick’s Commandments. Mr. Santorum cited divine inspiration for prohibitions against spooning, “murdering man-seed miracles, associating with Muslims and/or gay people, aspiring to higher education, and googling my name.”
“A Higher Power will be watching, and by that I mean Predator drones.”
“The separation of Church and State is tearing this country apart,” Santorum declared. “A White House divided cannot stand.”
Under the plan, same-sex marriages will be annulled and women seeking abortions will be required to first name their fetuses and announce their intentions on Facebook.
“Faith, family, and most importantly freedom, that’s my swag,” Santorum stated.
The Senator proudly recalled the eight times he shared a bed with his wife Karen, each time to conceive. “I shoot and I score. It’s lights off, lock the door, no hands, no tricks, enter Sandman, in and out, in a totally spiritual way.”
“Satan wants you to spoon, to feel the desire of hell-fire flesh,” he continued.
“If your loins burn for another, I suggest you pray. Or picture Gingrich naked.”
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