Millennials Confront Quarter-Life Crisis

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New York – Just one week into his first job out of college, Jake Sullivan put in his two weeks notice today and announced his intention to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. “I’ve been grinding so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Sullivan said.

Across the country, millennials are confronting the stark reality of life outside “safe spaces,” taking to social media to express their growing disillusionment, with the hashtag “25PCT.”

“Sometimes I want to pack up my mom’s car and get out of dodge,” Dana Barrett, 23, said.  “Just drive.”

Psychologists used to mark the onset of such symptoms, which include self-doubt, rash decisions, and attempts to seriously get in shape, at the age of 45.  But for the generation now entering the workforce, it’s coming in half the time.

“Their whole lives, they’ve been told how special they are,” said Dr. Egon Spengler. “Now they’re finding out, maybe not.”

“You don’t know what it’s like out there,” Ray Stantz, 22, exclaimed. “The private sector…they expect results!”

Barrett agreed. “Sometimes I feel like Bernie is the only one that gets me,” she said, shaking her head. “But they just wouldn’t let him win.”

As for Sullivan, he vowed not to return until his student loans were forgiven. “You know I hear llamas are really chill.”

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