Moscow – Edward Snowden stood over a hotplate warming Borscht when his phone buzzed. “Your country needs you,” the text read, followed by a link to Healthcare.gov–which led to an error page announcing “technical difficulties.”
Then another text: “Fix it, and all is forgiven.” After a short Skype session with President Obama, the fugitive NSA leaker was aboard a military jet bound for Washington, DC. “Russian Tinder was really weird,” Mr. Snowden explained.
Snowden will reportedly lead the “tech surge” to repair and revamp the administration’s online implementation of the Affordable Care Act. The news comes just days after damaging new details emerged from the former contractor’s trove, that the USA had spied on friendly foreign presidents, the Pope, and Mrs. Obama. Despite denying knowledge the taps were taking place, an inside source revealed that Mr. Obama had direct personal involvement, seeking to ascertain what the First Lady was thinking “in the sack.”
But the President now considers the leaks “water under the bridge,” and has pledged the entire resources of the federal government to assist Snowden in rescuing the problem-riddled website, including unlimited Mountain Dew.
After reviewing the code, Snowden suggested it was going to be a tough job. “This looks like a WordPress blog…from 2006,” he said, shaking his head. Asked why he abandoned his comfortable asylum in Russia, Snowden shrugged. “Putin never did teach me ju-jitsu. And there was no Chipotle.”