Qatar – Fresh out of Guantanamo from the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap, five battle-hardened Taliban commandos are now declaring Jihad on hunger. Their food truck, “Halal Hermanos,” is set to debut in downtown Doha this afternoon.
“Weren’t not just another white sauce hot sauce joint,” said Mohammad Fazl, a former mujahideen warrior and now the group’s spokesman. “This is real Afghan food, with a Cuban-American twist. Yeah we do schwarma, chicken and rice, the classics, but how about a side of sweet plantains or asiago truffle fries? Boom.”
While some of their compatriots were being force-fed, the five Taliban were watching Food Network, tinkering with recipes, and working on a detailed business plan. With negotiations for the release of Bergdahl at a standstill, the group finally made their pitch to American and Qatari diplomats, including a sample tasting menu. “I was sweating bullets,” Fazl said.
Rave reviews put the prisoner swap on fast-track, and the group turned to soliciting start-up capital. “Starting a business with your own money is like starting a land war in Asia,” CFO Abdul Haq Wasiq said. Fortunately, they were able to get financing from Qatari oil shieks affiliated with the Haqqani network. “We’ve used them before,” Wasiq winked.
Amidst a firestorm of criticism, President Obama defended the exchange, hailing the trained killers as small business owners. “They are no longer a clear and present danger, except to the competition,” Obama said. The President cited their years working in cramped conditions and “roadside expertise” as a recipe for success.
“We blow you away, with flavor,” head chef Mullah Norullah Noori promised. And if all goes well, the food truck will be coming soon to America, along with a secret weapon. Noori updated the truck’s Twitter feed and smiled. “Siracha.”