Washington – On the brink of bankruptcy, the United States Post Office is introducing a new line of stamps in a last ditch effort to raise revenue. The Scratch N’ Sniff stamps will be available with scents including Holiday Tree, Hawaiian Tropic, and George Washington.
“I got a whiff of the future,” Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue declared. “And it smells good.”
The Post Office has seen business steadily decline since the advent of the internet, but General Donahue believes the new stamps will reverse the trend. “We’re making mail cool again. You can’t smell email, end of story.”
General Donahue was forced to look for creative solutions since federal law forbids raising postage fees faster than inflation or reducing deliveries, while union contracts prohibit layoffs. The Post Office employs over half a million workers to deliver mail to the far corners of the country, providing some people with their only contact to the outside world.
“We’ve got old folks in the bag,” General Donahue explained. “We need to get them youngsters.”
Indeed, the Post Office will soon join forces with Skippy’s Ice Cream to deliver signature soft-serve and frozen popsicles along with the mail. “Kids will hear our trucks and come running,” General Donahue continued.
The Post Office is also banking on additional corporate sponsors after Hawaiian Tropic’s sun-tan lotion scented stamp wowed test groups.
The George Washington stamp was not greeted as warmly, with reviews ranging from “grandpa” to “musty old man smoking a pipe.” General Donahue insisted it is historically accurate. “Smell the future,” he beamed. “Scratch it, love it.”