Groundhog Ritually Sacrificed for Early Spring

Groundhog DayAfter yet another storm dumped a foot of snow overnight, Punxsutawney Phil was dragged back out of his hole today and eviscerated before a restive crowd cheering for an end to winter. Wearing a black robe, Mayor Connors carved out the rodent’s heart with an obsidian knife, before biting into the beating flesh.

“Bring us an early spring,” the Mayor demanded looking skyward, his mouth stained red. “For the old Gods and the new, for jean shorts and Crocs, we commit this false idol to eternal repeating damnation.” The mayor cast the carcass into a bonfire as townspeople huddled around for warmth.

Sunday, the so-called seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators had glimpsed his shadow, foretelling another six weeks of winter. The finding was cited by several Republicans as “hard evidence” that global warming is a hoax.

“The woodchuck has spoken,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. “Science can’t change that. He died for our sins. Who are we to question his wisdom?”

Followers claim Punxsutawney Phil was over 124 years old at his death and owed his longevity to a magical elixir imbibed every summer. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Phil’s predictions had been correct 39% of the time.

“Hit a baseball that often and you go to the hall of fame and have your head frozen at Alcor,” Senator Cruz said.

Later this week several other animals are expected to make a forecast, including a duck-billed platypus and a large squirrel. Cruz dismissed all the impostors. “We believe in one fur-covered mammal and his kingdom will have no end.”

Mayor Connors was not so sure. “I just want to see a woman without a parka,” he said. “Let me make a suggestion to that platypus: tread lightly.”

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