Hackers Appalled at “Banal” American Data

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Russia – Members of the hacking collective “Thirsty Bears” expressed disappointment today, as an online auction on the dark web for stolen American identities ended with zero bids.

“Nobody wants this crap,” lamented one member, identified only as Mr. X. “There’s nothing interesting in the email accounts and their credit is already maxed out!”

As Yahoo announced that data on 500 million of its users was stolen in 2014, the secretive group revealed that trove had long ago been sold off. “I think we got like twenty bucks and a USB drive keychain,” Mr. X continued, shaking his head.

Another member sat beside Mr. X, sifting through the latest hack for anything of value. “Who are these freaking people?” Ms. Y wondered. “Every single password is their dog, and they’re all named Bailey!”

Mr. X added that the hacker known as “Guccifer 2.0” could not even find a taker for another batch of emails from Hillary Clinton. “I heard they’re 99% fliers from Pottery Barn.”

Desperate Nation Begs Tom Hanks To Be President

downloadHollywood – As his latest movie continues to soar at the box office, Tom Hanks may be called upon to board Air Force One.  Amid an ugly race with two historically unpopular candidates, an online petition to draft Hanks for president gathered over two hundred million signatures in just twelve minutes today.

After decades portraying American heroes in films such as Apollo 13, Saving Private Ryan, Captain Phillips, and now Sully, Hanks has garnered an approval rating of 98% and prediction markets are anticipating a massive 50-state “Hankslide.”

Hanks’s would-be rivals were quick to dismiss the upstart candidate.

“He talks to a volleyball!” Donald Trump tweeted. “Guy’s wacky-gets stuck on a deserted island and never opens one of the FedEx boxes . . . what if there was a satellite phone in there?!?!”

“I like guys that fly planes,” Trump continued. “Not crash land them.”

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton questioned Hanks’s judgment. “Look, I loved him in League Of Their Own and Joe Versus the Volcano,” Clinton explained at an afternoon fundraiser. “But let’s be honest, Larry Crowne was awful, and he wrote and directed that trash.”

Trump acknowledged that Bachelor Party was a “total classic,” but lamented that Hanks “was never the same after he got AIDS in Philly.”

Previous petitions unsuccessfully targeted Harrison Ford, who was “booked solid” for seven Indiana Jones sequels, and Danny Glover, who was reportedly “too old for that shit.”

Reached for comment, Hanks wondered, “What kind of nut would want that job?”

Clinton Accidently Leaves Kaine in Hot Car

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St. Petersburg, FL – Vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was rushed to the hospital today after being found dazed in Hillary Clinton’s official campaign car. Authorities said temperatures inside the vehicle, which had the windows rolled up but was unlocked, reached 120 degrees.

Kaine reportedly told paramedics that he “thought Clinton was coming back.” The presidential candidate was in Florida today to meet privately with “friends of Hillary” before a slate of public events. According to an anonymous source, Clinton was half-way through a speech at the home of a super-donor when she stopped and cried out “Tim!”

The campaign quickly issued a statement, attributing the incident to a “minor brain freeze,” and assuring that Kaine was doing well and would address Miami voters tomorrow, in Spanish.

But Donald Trump pounced on the news, accusing Clinton of having another “short-circuit,” and speculating that she might have caught the Zika virus, which has now been confirmed in over 300 Florida cases.

“We gotta build a wall,” Trump said. “Or at least a big net. Before the mosquitoes come up here and kill us all!”

Asked about the people infected with Zika, Trump insisted that they will get all the help they need. “You know, unless they’re pregnant,” he said.

Trump Image Appears in Woman’s Toast

trump toastTulsa, OK – A local woman hailed a miracle Monday morning after an image of presidential candidate Donald Trump appeared in her breakfast toast. “I saw his great victory in the burnt bread,” Melissa Andre declared. “The night is dark and full of terrors.”

Trump immediately weighed in when the image went viral. “Good-looking piece of toast!” he tweeted. “Don’t know whether to slick it with butter or hang it in my museum!”

By noon, “Trump eats toast!” t-shirts were seen outside the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia.

According to Trump’s personal chef, the billionaire prefers wonder bread lightly toasted to a sunset golden amber, with any dark crusts neatly clipped off.

At press time, sources at the DNC confirmed that a Florida family spotted Hillary Clinton in a plate of enchiladas.

Millennials Confront Quarter-Life Crisis

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New York – Just one week into his first job out of college, Jake Sullivan put in his two weeks notice today and announced his intention to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. “I’ve been grinding so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Sullivan said.

Across the country, millennials are confronting the stark reality of life outside “safe spaces,” taking to social media to express their growing disillusionment, with the hashtag “25PCT.”

“Sometimes I want to pack up my mom’s car and get out of dodge,” Dana Barrett, 23, said.  “Just drive.”

Psychologists used to mark the onset of such symptoms, which include self-doubt, rash decisions, and attempts to seriously get in shape, at the age of 45.  But for the generation now entering the workforce, it’s coming in half the time.

“Their whole lives, they’ve been told how special they are,” said Dr. Egon Spengler. “Now they’re finding out, maybe not.”

“You don’t know what it’s like out there,” Ray Stantz, 22, exclaimed. “The private sector…they expect results!”

Barrett agreed. “Sometimes I feel like Bernie is the only one that gets me,” she said, shaking her head. “But they just wouldn’t let him win.”

As for Sullivan, he vowed not to return until his student loans were forgiven. “You know I hear llamas are really chill.”

Santa Claus Barred From U.S. Travel

l_shutterstock_sad-santa_1200x675North Pole – Santa Claus will not be coming to town in the United States this Christmas. Kris Kringle learned today that he was rejected for a travel Visa due to his appearance on a “no-beard list.”

According to officials, the list was quietly implemented in recent weeks to bar entry to persons with facial hair over one inch in length. “Terrorists don’t shave,” said one official.

Santa’s workshop was eerily quiet after the news, as idle elves whispered amongst themselves about layoffs without the insatiable American market for useless crap. The big man himself was nowhere to be found, last seen walking out into the snow, shaking his head.

President Obama defended the no-beard list as a “necessary national security measure,” pointing out that it does not discriminate based on religion. Obama also announced that, with additional screening and a full-body cavity search, Mr. Kringle could receive an exemption and be removed from the list.

Meanwhile, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump declared that he would ban all incoming beards. “No goatees, no exceptions,” Trump said.

Trump also questioned Santa’s intentions. “The guy’s been living off the grid, with a bunch of midgets. He pops down the chimney, in the dead of night…there could be anything in those boxes.”

“We’re not canceling Christmas,” Trump continued. “It’s gonna be real classy. Bigger and better than ever. I know Jeff Bezos at Amazon—good friend of mine—we’ll work something out.”

Trump promised to pay for the presents himself. “Everybody gets a gun.”

Zuckerberg Pledges Fortune for Tango & Cash Sequel

483297-zuck-chinese-speechMenlo Park, CA – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that he would immediately liquidate 99% percent of his company shares to “fast-track” a sequel to the 1989 hit action comedy Tango & Cash.

“The world needs heroes,” Zuckerberg wrote in an open letter to stars Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. “Raymond Tango and Gabriel Cash are not just gun-toting police officers. They’re people, who kick some major-league ass.”

“One’s a slick suit with a stockbroker, the other’s a wise-cracking renegade with a mullet. But they’re both good cops. And they overcome their differences to work together and kill Jack Palance. We can all learn from that.”

“You had to wonder what they did after the big shoot-out at the quarry,” Zuckerberg continued. “Did they partner up?  Maybe open a cool bar? Did Cash keep seeing Tango’s sister?”

Zuckerberg’s wife, Dr. Priscilla Chan, was skeptical of the investment and encouraged the philanthropist to pursue “more options.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly penning a letter to Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, and Tom Selleck.