Clinton Accidently Leaves Kaine in Hot Car

TIM KAINE
St. Petersburg, FL – Vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was rushed to the hospital today after being found dazed in Hillary Clinton’s official campaign car. Authorities said temperatures inside the vehicle, which had the windows rolled up but was unlocked, reached 120 degrees.

Kaine reportedly told paramedics that he “thought Clinton was coming back.” The presidential candidate was in Florida today to meet privately with “friends of Hillary” before a slate of public events. According to an anonymous source, Clinton was half-way through a speech at the home of a super-donor when she stopped and cried out “Tim!”

The campaign quickly issued a statement, attributing the incident to a “minor brain freeze,” and assuring that Kaine was doing well and would address Miami voters tomorrow, in Spanish.

But Donald Trump pounced on the news, accusing Clinton of having another “short-circuit,” and speculating that she might have caught the Zika virus, which has now been confirmed in over 300 Florida cases.

“We gotta build a wall,” Trump said. “Or at least a big net. Before the mosquitoes come up here and kill us all!”

Asked about the people infected with Zika, Trump insisted that they will get all the help they need. “You know, unless they’re pregnant,” he said.

Trump Image Appears in Woman’s Toast

trump toastTulsa, OK – A local woman hailed a miracle Monday morning after an image of presidential candidate Donald Trump appeared in her breakfast toast. “I saw his great victory in the burnt bread,” Melissa Andre declared. “The night is dark and full of terrors.”

Trump immediately weighed in when the image went viral. “Good-looking piece of toast!” he tweeted. “Don’t know whether to slick it with butter or hang it in my museum!”

By noon, “Trump eats toast!” t-shirts were seen outside the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia.

According to Trump’s personal chef, the billionaire prefers wonder bread lightly toasted to a sunset golden amber, with any dark crusts neatly clipped off.

At press time, sources at the DNC confirmed that a Florida family spotted Hillary Clinton in a plate of enchiladas.

Millennials Confront Quarter-Life Crisis

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New York – Just one week into his first job out of college, Jake Sullivan put in his two weeks notice today and announced his intention to hike the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. “I’ve been grinding so long, I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Sullivan said.

Across the country, millennials are confronting the stark reality of life outside “safe spaces,” taking to social media to express their growing disillusionment, with the hashtag “25PCT.”

“Sometimes I want to pack up my mom’s car and get out of dodge,” Dana Barrett, 23, said.  “Just drive.”

Psychologists used to mark the onset of such symptoms, which include self-doubt, rash decisions, and attempts to seriously get in shape, at the age of 45.  But for the generation now entering the workforce, it’s coming in half the time.

“Their whole lives, they’ve been told how special they are,” said Dr. Egon Spengler. “Now they’re finding out, maybe not.”

“You don’t know what it’s like out there,” Ray Stantz, 22, exclaimed. “The private sector…they expect results!”

Barrett agreed. “Sometimes I feel like Bernie is the only one that gets me,” she said, shaking her head. “But they just wouldn’t let him win.”

As for Sullivan, he vowed not to return until his student loans were forgiven. “You know I hear llamas are really chill.”

Santa Claus Barred From U.S. Travel

l_shutterstock_sad-santa_1200x675North Pole – Santa Claus will not be coming to town in the United States this Christmas. Kris Kringle learned today that he was rejected for a travel Visa due to his appearance on a “no-beard list.”

According to officials, the list was quietly implemented in recent weeks to bar entry to persons with facial hair over one inch in length. “Terrorists don’t shave,” said one official.

Santa’s workshop was eerily quiet after the news, as idle elves whispered amongst themselves about layoffs without the insatiable American market for useless crap. The big man himself was nowhere to be found, last seen walking out into the snow, shaking his head.

President Obama defended the no-beard list as a “necessary national security measure,” pointing out that it does not discriminate based on religion. Obama also announced that, with additional screening and a full-body cavity search, Mr. Kringle could receive an exemption and be removed from the list.

Meanwhile, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump declared that he would ban all incoming beards. “No goatees, no exceptions,” Trump said.

Trump also questioned Santa’s intentions. “The guy’s been living off the grid, with a bunch of midgets. He pops down the chimney, in the dead of night…there could be anything in those boxes.”

“We’re not canceling Christmas,” Trump continued. “It’s gonna be real classy. Bigger and better than ever. I know Jeff Bezos at Amazon—good friend of mine—we’ll work something out.”

Trump promised to pay for the presents himself. “Everybody gets a gun.”

Zuckerberg Pledges Fortune for Tango & Cash Sequel

483297-zuck-chinese-speechMenlo Park, CA – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that he would immediately liquidate 99% percent of his company shares to “fast-track” a sequel to the 1989 hit action comedy Tango & Cash.

“The world needs heroes,” Zuckerberg wrote in an open letter to stars Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. “Raymond Tango and Gabriel Cash are not just gun-toting police officers. They’re people, who kick some major-league ass.”

“One’s a slick suit with a stockbroker, the other’s a wise-cracking renegade with a mullet. But they’re both good cops. And they overcome their differences to work together and kill Jack Palance. We can all learn from that.”

“You had to wonder what they did after the big shoot-out at the quarry,” Zuckerberg continued. “Did they partner up?  Maybe open a cool bar? Did Cash keep seeing Tango’s sister?”

Zuckerberg’s wife, Dr. Priscilla Chan, was skeptical of the investment and encouraged the philanthropist to pursue “more options.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly penning a letter to Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, and Tom Selleck.

Local Man Refuses to Turn Clock Back One Hour

New York – Bravely refusing to give in and “fall back,” Travis Chester entered his sixth consecutive “sol” of unadjusted timekeeping today, rising at the same hour he has since spring.

All week he has arrived at work “early” at eight in the morning, and management has taken notice. “The guy is really getting after it,” supervisor Dale Walters said. Colleagues, however, report that he also checks out daily at 4 p.m.

Chester makes no apologies. “The subway is less crowded, and it’s still light out.”

Presidential candidate Ben Carson hailed Chester as a hero for defying government regulation. “There’s no DST in the Bible,” Carson declared. “You put a stick in the mud and make a sundial.”

Meanwhile, Mayor de Blasio, known for regularly snoozing until noon, called for a new timekeeping system, three hours later than Eastern Standard Time.

Chester plans to stick to his schedule. “My body knows what time it is,” he said.  “Plus, I can’t fix the timer on my coffee machine.”

Feta Declared New Greek Currency

Feta FightAthens – Who needs cheddar when you’ve got feta? Teetering on financial collapse, amidst empty ATMs and shuttered banks, Greece officially pulled out of the European Union today and declared feta cheese the national currency.

Jittery financial markets ticked upward, and feta was trading well against the dollar with one liter of brined white curds at $3.07.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras announced that “gumball-style” machines were being installed at all major retailers of flip-flops.

“I’m rich!” cried Achilles Kousis, as he pushed an overflowing wheelbarrow through Omonia Square, leaving a trail of cheesy pearls.

With vast reserves of sheep and goat’s milk, experts indicate that feta could sustain the Greek economy indefinitely.

Prime Minister Tsipras also announced that “with the liquidity situation solved,” all Greek citizens could “take the rest of the summer off.”

Celebratory feta fights immediately broke out across the nation, with Greeks gorging on fistfuls of soft curds and building “snow-men” in the streets.

As night fell, a carpet of crumbly white covered this ancient city, and officials warned that feta supplies were already running low. Economic Minister Yanis Varoufakis shook his head.  “Well I guess we still have yogurt.”