News Breakage

Thailand – In a shocking turn of events, all twelve members of the Wild Boars soccer team returned to their subterranean home today, just days after a miraculous underwater rescue.

The boys reported being disenchanted with life above ground.

Entering the flooded chamber once again, one boy, who asked not to be named, exclaimed “Fuck this shit” and then disappeared.

Another boy waiting explained “Ever since we got out, they won’t leave us alone. It blows bigtime. Anderson Cooper keeps calling me! Trump wants us to visit the White House. And Facebook is just the worst.”

His friend, a 15 year-old, agreed. “I don’t want to go home. My mom says I have to clean my room and get a summer job.”

Indeed, in the days after the boys were discovered in the cave, they apparently enjoyed themselves with supplies ferried in by Thai Navy Seal divers, including 12 Nintendo Switch portable gaming devices.

“I got pretty good at Mario Kart,” one boy grinned.

The trapped boys took to calling their home the Ultimate Man Cave. And now, they’re scuba-diving back, this time with more gear, courtesy of the mini-submarine left by Elon Musk.

“We’ve got a PS4, with Fortnite, a boombox, some serious tunes. And oh yeah, Taco Bell.” The two boys high-fived.

Narongsak Osatanakorn, the lead rescue official, described the boys’ actions as symptomatic of “classic separation anxiety.” “They became psychologically bonded, not only to each other, but to the cave itself. We’ve seen this before with the Chilean miners.”

“We must give them whatever they need,” he continued. “We must wait until they’re ready to rejoin society.”

Informed of the official’s opinion, the last boy just smiled and started his dive.

Roscoe, NY – A local man is behind bars today, after being caught orange-handed, in flagrante delicto, “carving” a 200 lb prize-winning pumpkin.

Authorities confirmed that the suspect, Jack O. Lantern, is also responsible for a string of disturbances at patches in the area. Farmers have reported perforated pumpkins and sometimes much worse–barely recognizable heaps of orange pulp and strewn seeds.

According to experts, the fall season brings out a cornucopia of tumescent temptations for those with a so-called “gourd fetish.”

At the Abbott farm on Route 17, even hardened detectives were shaken by the scene. “We think he had a three-some with a Butternut Squash,” one said, shaking his head.

Mr. Lantern is charged with Indecent Exposure, Conversion, and Peforming a Lewd Act with a Fruit or Vegetable.

His lawyer, Jake Calabaza, announced in a statement that Lantern was innocent of the charges. “His only crime is loving Halloween,” Calabaza said.

Trick or treat indeed.

Washington – In the wake of the worst mass shooting in American history, Republicans have proposed a bold plan to protect public safety: bullet-proof vests.

New legislation would provide free body armor to every man, woman, and child, including Kevlar helmets. “Every American has the right to be safe,” declared Speaker Paul Ryan, the bill’s sponsor. “They also have the right to shoot any weapon up to and including a ballistic missile.”

The Make America Safe Again Act was introduced today in a Rose Garden ceremony, followed by a demonstration where administration officials took turns sniping at each other, the rounds falling harmlessly to the White House lawn.

“We have to take care of our people,” President Trump stated solemnly, before joining in with an AR-15 Assault Rifle.

Under the new “universal body armor” plan, the federal government will provide free coverage for any tactical protection device, with no exceptions or out of pocket costs. Ryan called the “single payer” system a breakthrough.

“The health of our people comes first,” Ryan said. Asked if that included actual healthcare services, Ryan demurred. “Let’s not get crazy.”

Washington, D.C. – Restless men are sharpening their harpoons today, after the Trump administration declared that the “war on whaling” is officially over. At a special ceremony in the Oval Office, the president signed an executive order to renounce the Endangered Species Act of 1973 and withdraw from the International Whaling Convention of 1946.

With the stroke of a scrimshawed whale-bone pen, Trump promised to bring back lost jobs for harpooners, lancers, blubber cutters, kettle-minders, coopers, coilers, steerers and stewards. Trump also vowed to set a course for energy independence, by targeting the “floating reservoirs” of whale oil, which can be used for lighting, heating, soap, and processing textiles and rope.

“Moby Dick’s days are numbered,” Trump boasted at the White House, adding that whalers would hunt only the biggest game – leviathans of the deep like Blue Whales, Sperm Whales, and Humpbacks, and not “sad little fish” like Belugas.

Later, the president tweeted “Japs killing us. . . Make America Whale Again!” But as sailors rushed to port for the promise of a Nantucket sleigh ride, they learned that a private whaling fleet had already departed, crewed by robot replacements.

Back at the White House, Trump had already changed tack. “We need to start logging again,” the president declared. “Huge trees. Redwoods, Sequoias, the National Parks, think of the firewood.” Experts warned such efforts would add pollution and deplete oxygen in the atmosphere.

Trump dismissed concerns, crowing on twitter: “Photosynthesis is a Myth!”

This holiday season, everybody wants to get drilled. The hot Christmas gift flying off the shelves is Hasbro’s new home surgical kit – Lobotomy!

The lobotomy kit comes with an easy-grip power drill and a helmet resembling a colander. The helmet features a dozen preset drill holes to target specific areas of the brain.

“It’s fun for the whole family,” spokesman Chester Springfield said.

Most popular is the “Rewind” hole, which erases all memory of the 2016 calendar year. Close behind is the “Strangelove,” guaranteed to eliminate fear centers in the frontal cortex and make you stop worrying about the bomb. Or try the “Trump” and blast away all long-term memory and logical reasoning and start riding a thrilling rollercoaster of impulsive, random thoughts.

Or try them all!

The toy company, who brought you Operation, partnered with device maker Medtronic to tap into the booming market for body modification. However, doctors caution that home lobotomists could go too far, and not even remember.

“We have a lot of repeat customers,” Springfield smiled. “Drill baby drill.”

New York – Declaring it his number one priority, Donald Trump pledged to make Steve Guttenberg a star again.

At a rare press conference at Trump Tower, the president-elect said that he would get Guttenberg a “block-buster motion picture” within his first 100 days in office.

“He’s going to be huge, and it’s going to be so easy,” Trump said. “Imagine a new Police Academy, only this time Mahoney is the Commissioner! Or what about Three Men and A Baby all grown up? This stuff writes itself.”

The former 80’s star, who once dominated the box office, has fallen on hard times, starring in a stream of low-grade television and straight to video movies.

“Everybody knows the money’s in sequels,” Trump continued. “But you absolutely have to bring back the big cheese. Don’t get me started on the new broads in Ghostbusters 3.”

According to sources, Trump has met extensively with new Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, who previously produced films including Mad Max Fury Road and Batman v. Superman. After heated discussions, Trump rejected a proposed Cocoon sequel.

“We’re not doing Cocoon 3,” Trump said. “Let’s face it, there’s no replacing Wilford Brimley.”

However, Trump expressed strong interest in a third Short Circuit movie, where the sentient robot Johhny Five is back, taking American jobs, and only one man can stop him – his best friend.

At press time, Trump’s office also announced an infrastructure plan to build a six-car monorail between New York City and Washington, D.C.

The search led to an apartment in Macedonia, then an underground kangaroo fighting ring in Australia.

At first, authorities were convinced the glut of fake news websites coming out of the former Soviet Bloc was a targeted effort by the Russian government to tip the American presidential election in favor of a more pliable candidate, Donald Trump.

But after the election, the fake news just kept coming. And then Interpol agents made a shocking discovery: the complete Crocodile Dundee trilogy on Blu-ray in the Skopje flat. That same day a viral video swept the globe – a man punching a kangaroo in the face. Meanwhile in Brussels, an obscure subcommittee in the European Union quietly killed a science funding bill.

The pattern repeated. A major climate change study was released, and almost simultaneously, mannequin challenge videos flooded the internet.

However, the connection only became clear today when a hiker discovered a carelessly dropped brochure on a trail outside Chappaqua, New York. The brochure describes an extraordinary plan to raise sea levels and create “classy” new hotel properties, while diverting the public’s attention.

The brochure is signed and dedicated to Hillary Clinton, a well-known member of the Illuminati and part-time child trafficker.

The inscription?  “See you at the beach! Your friend, Don.”

Russia – Members of the hacking collective “Thirsty Bears” expressed disappointment today, as an online auction on the dark web for stolen American identities ended with zero bids.

“Nobody wants this crap,” lamented one member, identified only as Mr. X. “There’s nothing interesting in the email accounts and their credit is already maxed out!”

As Yahoo announced that data on 500 million of its users was stolen in 2014, the secretive group revealed that trove had long ago been sold off. “I think we got like twenty bucks and a USB drive keychain,” Mr. X continued, shaking his head.

Security experts attribute the decline in the market for Americans’ hacked data to a string of breaches that have repeatedly exposed their digital details.

At the collective, another member sat beside Mr. X, sifting through the latest hack for anything of value. “Who are these freaking people?” Ms. Y wondered. “Every email is about Brangelina breaking up. And every single password is their dog, and they’re all named Bailey!”

Mr. X added that the hacker known as “Guccifer 2.0” could not even find a taker for another batch of emails from Hillary Clinton. “I heard they’re 99% fliers from Pottery Barn.”

Hollywood – As his latest movie continues to soar at the box office, Tom Hanks may be called upon to board Air Force One.  Amid an ugly race with two historically unpopular candidates, an online petition to draft Hanks for president gathered over two hundred million signatures in just twelve minutes today.

After decades portraying American heroes in films such as Apollo 13, Saving Private Ryan, Captain Phillips, and now Sully, Hanks has garnered an approval rating of 98% and prediction markets are anticipating a massive 50-state “Hankslide.”

Hanks’s would-be rivals were quick to dismiss the upstart candidate.

“He talks to a volleyball!” Donald Trump tweeted. “Guy’s wacky-gets stuck on a deserted island and never opens one of the FedEx boxes . . . what if there was a satellite phone in there?!?!”

“I like guys that fly planes,” Trump continued. “Not crash land them.”

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton questioned Hanks’s judgment. “Look, I loved him in League Of Their Own and Joe Versus the Volcano,” Clinton explained at an afternoon fundraiser. “But let’s be honest, Larry Crowne was awful, and he wrote and directed that trash.”

Trump acknowledged that Bachelor Party was a “total classic,” but lamented that Hanks “was never the same after he got AIDS in Philly.”

Previous petitions unsuccessfully targeted Harrison Ford, who was “booked solid” for seven Indiana Jones sequels, and Danny Glover, who was reportedly “too old for that shit.”

Reached for comment, Hanks wondered, “What kind of nut would want that job?”

St. Petersburg, FL – Vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was rushed to the hospital today after being found dazed in Hillary Clinton’s official campaign car. Authorities said temperatures inside the vehicle, which had the windows rolled up but was unlocked, reached 120 degrees.

Kaine reportedly told paramedics that he “thought Clinton was coming back.” The presidential candidate was in Florida today to meet privately with “friends of Hillary” before a slate of public events. According to an anonymous source, Clinton was half-way through a speech at the home of a super-donor when she stopped and cried out “Tim!”

The campaign quickly issued a statement, attributing the incident to a “minor brain freeze,” and assuring that Kaine was doing well and would address Miami voters tomorrow, in Spanish.

But Donald Trump pounced on the news, accusing Clinton of having another “short-circuit,” and speculating that she might have caught the Zika virus, which has now been confirmed in over 300 Florida cases.

“We gotta build a wall,” Trump said. “Or at least a big net. Before the mosquitoes come up here and kill us all!”

Asked about the people infected with Zika, Trump insisted that they will get all the help they need. “You know, unless they’re pregnant,” he said.