Topeka, KS – Charlie Stevens reluctantly reported for duty today at the Harrison Mall Burger King after failing to win the 648 million dollar Mega Millions Jackpot on Tuesday. “I really thought I had it,” Stevens lamented.
Although experts suggest he was over 1,000 times more likely to be killed by a rogue comet or get a girlfriend, Stevens insisted it was his destiny to win. “I’ve always known there’s something special in store for me,” he said while microwaving a whopper. “That someday I’ll be rich, famous, like royalty.”
Stevens informed his co-workers that he would not “let it all go to his head,” and that he would take the annuity of $25 million instead of the lump sum of $400 million after taxes. “You can make 25 large go a long way,” he affirmed. “And I was gonna work out and eat right.”
Moreover, the grill-master had already mapped out several charities that might be worthy of his attention. “I’m kind of a philanthropist,” Stevens continued. “After the yachts and women, it’s important to give back,” he said.
Stevens found some consolation in the fact the winners were drawn far away in Georgia and California. “If somebody from my 7-Eleven won, I would burn this place to the ground and everyone in it,” he said. “But it wasn’t meant to be.”
As he finished his shift, Stevens grabbed a toy crown on the way out and headed back to the 7-Eleven for a scratch-off ticket. “What can I say? I’m a lucky guy.”