Hollywood – As his latest movie continues to soar at the box office, Tom Hanks may be called upon to board Air Force One. Amid an ugly race with two historically unpopular candidates, an online petition to draft Hanks for president gathered over two hundred million signatures in just twelve minutes today.
After decades portraying American heroes in films such as Apollo 13, Saving Private Ryan, Captain Phillips, and now Sully, Hanks has garnered an approval rating of 98% and prediction markets are anticipating a massive 50-state “Hankslide.”
Hanks’s would-be rivals were quick to dismiss the upstart candidate.
“He talks to a volleyball!” Donald Trump tweeted. “Guy’s wacky-gets stuck on a deserted island and never opens one of the FedEx boxes . . . what if there was a satellite phone in there?!?!”
“I like guys that fly planes,” Trump continued. “Not crash land them.”
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton questioned Hanks’s judgment. “Look, I loved him in League Of Their Own and Joe Versus the Volcano,” Clinton explained at an afternoon fundraiser. “But let’s be honest, Larry Crowne was awful, and he wrote and directed that trash.”
Trump acknowledged that Bachelor Party was a “total classic,” but lamented that Hanks “was never the same after he got AIDS in Philly.”
Previous petitions unsuccessfully targeted Harrison Ford, who was “booked solid” for seven Indiana Jones sequels, and Danny Glover, who was reportedly “too old for that shit.”
Reached for comment, Hanks wondered, “What kind of nut would want that job?”