Category Archives: Breakage

Syracuse, NY – Despite a bruising campaign for New York State Governor, lead candidates Andrew Cuomo and Carl Paladino broke bread together last night here at the Spaghetti Warehouse. In fact, restaurant manager Chip Douglas reported the two men took down half a dozen hot loaves of the signature bottomless sour dough. Mr. Paladino urged the waitress, Mary Swanson, to “keep ’em coming.”

Both candidates were in town for campaign events earlier in the day. Mr. Paladino, a Republican real estate developer from Buffalo, spoke at the Destiny USA mega mall construction site, proclaiming “If you build it, they will come.” Mr. Cuomo held a closed-door meeting with high value donors.

Diners were stunned to see the bitter opponents smiling over several carafes of lambrusco. “They were joking about that Rent Is Too Damn High guy,” Ms. Swanson said. “I know he looks crazy, but he’s got a point.”

When it came time to order, they unanimously agreed on the lasagna. “At the end of the day, they’re proud Italian-Americans,” Mr. Douglas said. “Sure they got different styles, and they fight, but it’s like Sonny and Michael Corleone, you know.”

Indeed, Mr. Paladino was seen chiding Mr. Cuomo goodnaturedly for not finishing his pasta. And after dinner, the two retired to the restaurant arcade with a roll of quarters. However, Mr. Paladino erupted in anger when he discovered the Simpsons game was gone. Apparently, he vowed to “find the scum who stole it and take him out.” The candidates eventually settled on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Later outside, local media asked them why they chose Spaghetti Warehouse, a budget restaurant, for their dinner detente. The candidates agreed “In these hard times, New Yorkers are tightening their belts, and we have to do the same.” Mr. Douglas was skeptical. “After the fifteen layer? No chance.”

Copiapo, Chile – In a shocking turn of events, ten of the 33 miners trapped underground here returned to their subterranean home today, just one week after a miraculous rescue.

The men reported being disenchanted with life above ground.

Entering the Phoenix rescue capsule for the 2300 foot descent to the collapsed mine, Esteban Alfonso Rojas Carriz exclaimed “Fuck this shit” and then disappeared.

The man waiting, Florencio Antonio Avalos Silva, explained “Ever since we got out, the media, our family, friends — they won’t leave us alone. It sucks. Maury Povich keeps calling me! And who the hell is Parker/Spitzer? Suddenly my wife is senorita hollywood and wants a reality show. No thanks.”

His friend Carlos Mamani Solis, a 23 year old Bolivian, agreed. “I don’t want to go home. My madre makes me take out the trash and won’t let me crank tunes. Plus, it’s pretty awesome down there. We’ve got everything.”

Indeed, in the 68 days after the men were sealed in the mine, they apparently enjoyed themselves with supplies sent down a narrow bore hole: couches, NASA space food, and a state of the art entertainment system. “Netflix donated like a million dvds,” Mr. Solis grinned.

The trapped miners took to calling their home La Ultima Cueva de Hombres, or the Ultimate Man Cave. Now, Mr. Silva says, they’re going back with more gear. “We’ve got a Wii, a boombox, some plasmas. They’re putting satellite down the rescue shaft. And oh yeah, a kegerator.” The two men high-fived.

Dr. Rafael Cristobo de la Vega of the Santiago Institute of Psychiatric Medicine described the miners’ actions as symptomatic of “classic separation anxiety.” “They became psychologically bonded, not only to each other, but to that underground bunker. We must give them whatever they need. We must wait until they’re ready to rejoin society.”

Informed of the doctor’s opinion, Mr. Silva just smiled and started his descent.