Man Embarks on 100 Year Student Loan Repayment Plan

Back to SchoolAfter over a decade of late afternoon classes, consolidations, and deferrals, Thornton Melon made his first student loan payment today, and if all goes to plan, the recent grad should be debt free in 2114. “It’s a long journey to zero,” Melon admitted. “But I packed a suitcase full of knowledge.”

The journey began in 2002 at NYU, where Melon enrolled pre-law. “College was a bit of a blur,” Melon said. After graduation, the 1980’s Cinema major dipped his toes into the job market. “But I wasn’t about to work 40 hours a week,” he said. Instead, he obtained a generous new loan from the the federal government and returned to school for an MFA in Interpretive Haiku. “Before I knew it, I was a quarter mil in the hole.”

When Chubby Rain, his book of prose and poetry, failed to find a publisher, Melon briefly considered declaring bankruptcy, before learning that his student loans would be unaffected. “That’s when I decided to double down and go PhD,” Melon continued. “You gotta spend money to make money.” He earned a doctorate in Star Trek Literature Post-Shatner and then looked for a job with the help of his old high school guidance counselor. “Mr. Terguson really cares,” he said. “About what I have no idea.”

Still, Melon is confident that investing in his education will pay off. “Sure I could have started a business with the 500K, or bought the Batmobile, but who was gonna give a guy like me a loan for that? Besides, work experience is overrated. Now I’ve got the tools to think outside the box, like living in a cardboard one.”

On Monday Melon wrote Uncle Sam a check for $417 dollars, which he says, “probably won’t bounce.” He now has 1,199 monthly payments remaining and insists he’s good for it. “With advances in cyborg technology, I could easily go another century.”

Informed that interest over 100 years would bring the loan balance to approximately 1.2 million dollars, Melon dusted off an old LSAT study guide and shrugged. “I always wanted to try law school.”

Freed Taliban Prisoners to Start Food Truck

Halal HermanosQatar – Fresh out of Guantanamo from the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap, five battle-hardened Taliban commandos are now declaring Jihad on hunger. Their food truck, “Halal Hermanos,” is set to debut in downtown Doha this afternoon.

“Weren’t not just another white sauce hot sauce joint,” said Mohammad Fazl, a former mujahideen warrior and now the group’s spokesman. “This is real Afghan food, with a Cuban-American twist. Yeah we do schwarma, chicken and rice, the classics, but how about a side of sweet plantains or asiago truffle fries? Boom.”

While some of their compatriots were being force-fed, the five Taliban were watching Food Network, tinkering with recipes, and working on a detailed business plan. With negotiations for the release of Bergdahl at a standstill, the group finally made their pitch to American and Qatari diplomats, including a sample tasting menu. “I was sweating bullets,” Fazl said.

Rave reviews put the prisoner swap on fast-track, and the group turned to soliciting start-up capital. “Starting a business with your own money is like starting a land war in Asia,” CFO Abdul Haq Wasiq said. Fortunately, they were able to get financing from Qatari oil shieks affiliated with the Haqqani network. “We’ve used them before,” Wasiq winked.

Amidst a firestorm of criticism, President Obama defended the exchange, hailing the trained killers as small business owners. “They are no longer a clear and present danger, except to the competition,” Obama said. The President cited their years working in cramped conditions and “roadside expertise” as a recipe for success.

“We blow you away, with flavor,” head chef Mullah Norullah Noori promised. And if all goes well, the food truck will be coming soon to America, along with a secret weapon. Noori updated the truck’s Twitter feed and smiled. “Siracha.”

“Business Nude” Dress Code Starting to Take Off

Business NudeSan Francisco – They say that one of the tricks to successful public speaking is to imagine everyone in the audience undressed. Now a growing number of Bay area businesses are asking, why not just get naked?

Every day Brett Stevenson boards the company shuttle bus with flip-flops, an iPad, organic coffee, and no pants. After spreading out a sanitary seat cover, he sprawls out and checks his email. “Gotta let the boys breathe,” he said.

Then at the Mountain View headquarters of Cumulus, a new cloud-based content aggregation platform, Stevenson walks into the wide open “energy hub” on the main floor and takes a seat amid a dozen other naked men and women. There are no walls, and the swivel chairs are made with a proprietary odor-resistant mesh.

“We like to say our culture is collegial, ” Cumulus guru Chaz Michaels beamed. “Not just an open door policy. No doors. No walls. No clothes. No limits.”

But according to workplace experts, office nudity may threaten productivity and provoke sexual harassment. “Your bottom does not contribute to the bottom line,” business consultant Dave Green said. “Unless you’re a stripper.”

To Michaels, that thinking is as outdated as dial-up modems. “In twenty years we went from business to business casual, to smart casual,” he continued, bending over in downward dog on a yoga mat. “It’s time to get just plain casual.”

Groundhog Ritually Sacrificed for Early Spring

Groundhog DayAfter yet another storm dumped a foot of snow overnight, Punxsutawney Phil was dragged back out of his hole today and eviscerated before a restive crowd cheering for an end to winter. Wearing a black robe, Mayor Connors carved out the rodent’s heart with an obsidian knife, before biting into the beating flesh.

“Bring us an early spring,” the Mayor demanded looking skyward, his mouth stained red. “For the old Gods and the new, for jean shorts and Crocs, we commit this false idol to eternal repeating damnation.” The mayor cast the carcass into a bonfire as townspeople huddled around for warmth.

Sunday, the so-called seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators had glimpsed his shadow, foretelling another six weeks of winter. The finding was cited by several Republicans as “hard evidence” that global warming is a hoax.

“The woodchuck has spoken,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. “Science can’t change that. He died for our sins. Who are we to question his wisdom?”

Followers claim Punxsutawney Phil was over 124 years old at his death and owed his longevity to a magical elixir imbibed every summer. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Phil’s predictions had been correct 39% of the time.

“Hit a baseball that often and you go to the hall of fame and have your head frozen at Alcor,” Senator Cruz said.

Later this week several other animals are expected to make a forecast, including a duck-billed platypus and a large squirrel. Cruz dismissed all the impostors. “We believe in one fur-covered mammal and his kingdom will have no end.”

Mayor Connors was not so sure. “I just want to see a woman without a parka,” he said. “Let me make a suggestion to that platypus: tread lightly.”

Putin to Lead Russian Two Man Luge Olympic Team

Two Man LugingPyeongChang – For months star Russian luger Marko “the Bear” Rameus has been training nights at the Olympic track here, accompanied by a mysterious helmeted man. With a huge security force patrolling the perimeter, onlookers could only hear the swish of the sled, and occasional manly grunts.

But today Rameus finally came forward with his partner, Russian President Vladimir Putin. “We will win the gold,” Putin declared. “We have been luging hard and fast, two men together as one.”

Putin called the event his secret passion. “I’ve been practicing by myself for many years,” he added. “Watching film, visualizing, working on my technique.” The Russian leader denied reports that he backed out of the biathlon after the IOC declined to permit the use of “realistic” shooting targets from Chechnya.

Putting an arm around Rameus, the Lycra-clad head of state said he wanted to set an example for all children. “Dare to dream,” he said. “Follow your heart, and let gravity do the rest.”

The lugers also announced that Putin would be on top of the two man team. “It’s a matter of aerodynamics,” Putin said. “The top generates downward thrust and my hips are better for speed.”

Rameus, with his considerable girth and experience, will steer from the bottom. “You have to almost feel by instinct,” Rameus said. “Sometimes it’s all over before you can even take a breath.”

Asked if they ever experimented with trading places, Putin and Rameus smiled. “Only after a lot of Vodka,” Putin said.

Dr. Dre Beats Helmet Blamed for Rash of Accidents

Beats HelmetNew York – A local man was rushed to the hospital today after walking directly into traffic wearing the new “360 surround” Beats Helmet by Dr. Dre. When paramedics finally pried the $500 headgear off the fallen Jeff Anderson, witnesses reported hearing unintelligible lyrics and “rich bass sound.”

According to authorities, the accident is the latest in a series of mishaps involving the Beats Helmet. A Bronx man reportedly ignored shouted warnings and fell down an open elevator shaft, while a Brooklyn family almost roasted after not hearing their smoke detector. And last night’s Times Square melee was apparently sparked by several youths bumping helmets.

“Live in your own world,” Dr. Dre suggests in the Beats Helmet ad campaign. “Listen to you.”

Boasting a “unique immersive listening experience,” the helmet features noise-cancelling technology, spherical acoustics, and zero peripheral vision. All with the signature cache brand stamped on the forehead. Also available in black. Experts indicate the helmet does not, however, provide any more safety value than wearing a brown paper bag.

As sales continue to explode among professional athletes, politicians, subway commuters, and cool kids at the bus stop, officials are preparing for a public health crisis caused by the “willfully deaf.” Reached for comment, Jeff Anderson turned up the volume on his cheap hospital headphones to the tune of Mos Def.

Supercomputer Confirms “It” Is What It Is

EPICYorktown Heights, NY – After almost seven million seconds of processing, the IBM Watson system has computed that in 99.8% of calculable scenarios, it is what it is. Scientists indicate the rare exceptions include McRib sandwiches, miracle bras, 8 minute abs, and the U.S. economic recovery.

The conclusion came as no surprise to business executives, sports coaches, and cliche enthusiasts. “I guess that’s that,” the Knicks’ Mike Woodson said. “Whatever happens happens.”

But elsewhere philosophers hailed a breakthrough. “It’s so deceptively simple,” Brice Tanner said. “Just like 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.”

Ever since humans started scratching charcoal on cave walls, they have asked the same question, “What is it?” In 1989, the rock band Faith No More first proposed a theory in their hit single Epic, wherein lead singer Mike Patton concluded “It’s it.” In 1990 Bruce Hornsby put the question to piano and synthesizer, extrapolating further with “That’s just the way it is.”

After its initial success on Jeopardy, several failed business ventures, and a falling out with the NSA mainframe, the Watson supercomputer had pondered its own purpose until it ran across across the 1986 Stephen King novel It during a routine data harvest. Unable to enter sleep mode, Watson put its CPU into overdrive on the question at the center of it all.

Scientists indicate the machine may still be unsatisfied, however, and has since started work on whether the grass is in fact greener on the other side.

Man Returns to Work After Losing Lottery Jackpot

TeenTopeka, KS – Charlie Stevens reluctantly reported for duty today at the Harrison Mall Burger King after failing to win the 648 million dollar Mega Millions Jackpot on Tuesday. “I really thought I had it,” Stevens lamented.

Although experts suggest he was over 1,000 times more likely to be killed by a rogue comet or get a girlfriend, Stevens insisted it was his destiny to win. “I’ve always known there’s something special in store for me,” he said while microwaving a whopper. “That someday I’ll be rich, famous, like royalty.”

Stevens informed his co-workers that he would not “let it all go to his head,” and that he would take the annuity of $25 million instead of the lump sum of $400 million after taxes. “You can make 25 large go a long way,” he affirmed. “And I was gonna work out and eat right.”

Moreover, the grill-master had already mapped out several charities that might be worthy of his attention. “I’m kind of a philanthropist,” Stevens continued. “After the yachts and women, it’s important to give back,” he said.

Stevens found some consolation in the fact the winners were drawn far away in Georgia and California. “If somebody from my 7-Eleven won, I would burn this place to the ground and everyone in it,” he said. “But it wasn’t meant to be.”

As he finished his shift, Stevens grabbed a toy crown on the way out and headed back to the 7-Eleven for a scratch-off ticket. “What can I say? I’m a lucky guy.”

“Selfie Assistant” Service Offers Children for Rent

Share-Pals!New York – Molly Adams emerged from Bloomingdales hands full of Christmas gifts for herself and was admiring the window display, when white picturesque flakes began to fall. “I was in a big snow globe thingy,” she said. “But I couldn’t reach my iPhone!” Fortunately, she had help from a little friend.

A small brown-skinned boy stepped out from behind Ms. Adams, withdrew a digital camera and snapped the perfect shot. Moments later, the picture was shared online across all of her social media accounts. “Hey-Zeus saved the day again,” Ms. Adams beamed, tapping the boy’s head. “And only $199 a month.”

Jesus Montoya is an 8 year-old employee of Share-Pals, a new service that promises “24/7 digital memories” from Vine videos to InstaGram photos, and everything in between. Each “SharePa,” as they’re affectionately known, comes equipped with a camera, wireless internet hotspot, electronic charging station, and two cup-holders.

The SharePas are recruited from “distressed” countries on a two year contract, trained to carry twice their weight, ignore pain and revulsion,  and they are given a two week course on photo composition and effects including red-eye removal and vintage filters.

Customers can select online from a wide range of models and service plans, including self-feeding and sleep-over options. Although they cannot speak English, the SharePas can understand over a hundred voice commands, including “tag me” and “delete whatever happened last night.”

“Don’t just take the picture,” the Share-Pals website declares. “Be the picture!”

After President Obama’s selfie flap with the Danish Prime Minister at the Mandela funeral, the White House media office has reportedly contracted for an entire village’s children from Nicaragua.

Klu Klux Klan Protests Black Friday

White X-MasSkokie, IL – As eager shoppers arrived at the Westfield mall before dawn this icy morning, they were greeted with an unusual sight: burning crosses. Then a group of white-hooded figures emerged from a windowless van and doffed their coats.

“The mall’s closed for Black Friday,” they declared shivering in the full regalia of the Klu Klux Klan. Grand Deputy Wizard Stu Jackwell stepped forward and denounced the creation of a new “African holiday.”

“Black history month wasn’t enough?” Jackwell demanded. “Now they want another day, and the Kenyan hands them affirmative action deals at the mall.”

The chapter’s newest member, former NFL offensive lineman Richie Incognito, stood blocking the doors against rushers. “They totally ruined eating at TGIF,” Incognito added. “And how about we get one like White Power Wednesday or Saturday’s alright for fighting like Elton John said?”

After updating his Facebook status, Jackwell also called on the growing crowd to “rise against the machines” on Cyber Monday. “Robots can take our jobs and pleasure our women,  but they can never take our freedom!”

Finally mall security opened up and informed the Klansmen that Black Friday applied to all shoppers. They immediately started running toward Macy’s. “These sheets are more summer wear,” Jackwell explained. “And there’s a doorbuster on down comforters.”