Category Archives: Breakage

Detroit – “Two beds, man and woman, separate but equal,” Senator Santorum proclaimed. “Thou shall not spoon.”

The Republican primary candidate paused his campaign here today to unveil a new missal for America: Rick’s Commandments. Mr. Santorum cited divine inspiration for prohibitions against spooning, “murdering man-seed miracles, associating with Muslims and/or gay people, aspiring to higher education, and googling my name.”

“A Higher Power will be watching, and by that I mean Predator drones.”

“The separation of Church and State is tearing this country apart,” Santorum declared. “A White House divided cannot stand.”

Under the plan, same-sex marriages will be annulled and women seeking abortions will be required to first name their fetuses and announce their intentions on Facebook.

“Faith, family, and most importantly freedom, that’s my swag,” Santorum stated.

The Senator proudly recalled the eight times he shared a bed with his wife Karen, each time to conceive. “I shoot and I score. It’s lights off, lock the door, no hands, no tricks, enter Sandman, in and out, in a totally spiritual way.”

“Satan wants you to spoon, to feel the desire of hell-fire flesh,” he continued.

“If your loins burn for another, I suggest you pray. Or picture Gingrich naked.”

Washington, DC – Across the internet, websites went dark Wednesday to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act. Across the country, critical research, garage sales, and “massage” services went undone without Wikipedia and Craigslist. However, SOPA was only stopped when the bill sponsors themselves discovered that online pornography was no longer available.

“We went way too far,” admitted Congressman Lamar Smith (R-TX).

Critics had contended that SOPA could lead to censorship of online content and force some websites to shut down.

“It’s like my grandmother wrote this bill,” said analyst Skip Maxwell. “And she calls the internet the Matrix, and thinks Keanu Reeves lives in it somewhere.”

“The language is so broad, the rules so far removed from the reality of technology,” Mr. Maxwell continued. “And the penalties, worse than you get smuggling crack into Singapore.”

Even so, until Wednesday, Congressman Smith had championed SOPA as a “deadly six-shooter” in the fight against online trafficking in intellectual property, calling the proposed blackout a “publicity stunt.”

According to sources, the 31 sponsors of the bill held an emergency meeting after they learned that a number of popular pornography websites had simply disappeared. “There was a lot of yelling, like the sky was falling or something,” said one staffer, who asked to remain anonymous. “The blackout got real.”

Jimmy “Skin” Sanchez, owner and operator of StreetMeat.com, confirmed his website was one of those supporting the blackout.

“Most of my shit is legit, you know, straight amateur,” said Mr. Sanchez. “But I let folks upload anything they want. SOPA says one copyrighted video is enough to shut me down. Bullshit. I can’t check every video. Believe me, I like to watch, but there’s only so many hours in the day.”

Congressman Smith has reportedly started working on new legislation to exempt certain websites. “He’s making a loophole for porn,” explained Mr. Maxwell.

“Loop-hole?” asked Mr. Sanchez. “Oh, yeah, we got loads of those videos.”

Washington – After brief remarks to the Congressional Black Caucus today, an open microphone accidentally caught President Obama in a heated exchange with members. When Representative James Clyburn urged Obama to “sack up” and do something about stalled legislation to extend payroll tax cuts and unemployment benefits, the President promised he was “putting the gloves on.”

“You know what community organizer means?” he asked the anxious members. “I run with gangs. South side Chicago, represent.”

“You heard the separation of powers? I’m gonna separate some heads from motherfucking necks. About to get some shit done up in here.”

Obama assured members that the situation was under control. “Let me tell you what really happened to Bin Laden. We caught him alive. I told Seal Team Six, put him on the phone. I said die slow motherfucker, die slow. Then I told them to shoot him in the nuts. Now I got his head stuffed on the wall at Camp David. That’s how I roll.”

A source reported vigorous fist-bumping and back-slapping at this revelation.

Political insiders speculated the hot mic was no accident. “He’s crazy like a fox,” declared Al Sharpton. “For three years, we been asking him to show some balls, show some black. Now he just slapped his magic eights on the table. I love it.”

Obama insisted House Majority leader John Boehner “better check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Cause I come stealth, and I’m bad for your health.”

The President concluded the conversation by wishing members happy holidays. “Merry Kwanzaa my n******s, keep it real. Peace out and word to your mother.”

Bloomington, MN – A line of tents snaked around the Mall of America just after midnight, shoppers with lawn chairs waiting for stores to open for Black Friday. When a dozen police officers ordered the crowd to disperse, they refused. Mary Chapman had been waiting 24 hours for a door-buster deal at Best Buy. Suddenly, pain seared across her face. She ran blindly into the parking lot, screaming, and lost her place in line.

“Merry fucking Christmas,” she cried. “I skipped Thanksgiving, for nothing! Holy Lord I want my HDTV!”

Several shoppers were sent to area hospitals, and a man dressed as Santa Claus shot with rubber bullets was reported in stable condition.

But most shoppers remained undeterred. “I got constitutional rights to be here,” Winston Jones declared, rubbing his eyes. “This is what democracy looks like. Our country was built on buying useless crap.”

Police Chief Stan Mahoney quickly issued a statement apologizing for the incident. “We thought it was Occupy Wall Street. We acted to defuse a potentially explosive situation. They were on private property. Camping.”

Finally the doors opened and the crowd rushed inside, chanting “we are the 99%, and we want up to 75% off manufacturer’s suggested retail price!”

Mr. Jones emerged hours later, battered but smiling, with a copy of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 for the Playstation. “Democracy is exhausting,” he decided. “I’m gonna go occupy my couch.”

Rutland, Vermont – As fat wet snowflakes fell under a lead sky, Charlie Maxwell heaved a forty pound bag of trail-mix into his bedroom. Black-out curtains darkened the windows and a hospital catheter unit stood beside the bed. Maxwell zipped up his thick velour jumpsuit. “Fuck winter,” he yawned.

This weekend, Maxwell will turn out the lights and attempt to sleep all the way until April. “Cold as a snowman’s balls out there. Wake me up when shit melts and the sun shines.”

Maxwell prepared for hibernation by studying the eating patterns of black bears and the exercise routines of coma victims. “The name of the game is calories. Stuff your face, and lie very still.”

Every day since September, Maxwell has spent four hours combining lunch and dinner at Golden Corral Buffet, before returning home to sleep on average seventeen hours. “Not including naps,” he added.

Still, scientists are skeptical. “Humans cannot slow down their metabolism like hibernating mammals,” said Wagner Price, Ph.D. “He may be morbidly obese, but he’s not adapted to survive on fat alone.”

However, Maxwell insisted there is no turning back. “I already set my cell phone alarm clock.”

The king-size memory foam bed beckoned like a nest, a deep hollow in the middle from long hours of training. Maxwell was anxious to get started.

“The animals got it all figured out. Hunker down or head south. I thought about Florida, but I want to have six-pack abs for the beach. There’s always next year. Something to dream about.”

Las Vegas – Rick Perry continued to attack Mitt Romney’s credibility today, raising doubts about his position on wiping. “We had a bathroom break at the debate, and I saw him through a crack in the stall, sitting there with wet wipes,” Mr. Perry announced.

“The American people want to know where their president stands. He was a porcelain warming liberal in Massachusetts, and now suddenly he’s a vertical hole hygienist. Something stinks.”

Mr. Romney countered with a 57 point plan explaining the benefits of standing, including “easier access, enhanced leverage, and reduced risk of dead leg.”

“When I’m president, I will sign an Executive Order, on day one, requiring the removal of auto-flush sensors in bathroom stalls. No more false alarms and wasted water. That’s a promise.”

Ron Paul objected that the government has no business in people’s bathrooms. “There’s nothing in the Constitution about water closets. Or public sewers. Private enterprise can clean things up just fine.”

Newt Gingrich, the self-proclaimed idea man and intellectual among the candidates, offered a fresh alternative to sitting versus standing. “I’ve been wearing adult diapers for years. I’m on the road constantly for my book tours, and they are incredibly absorbent. I shit myself all the time. It’s wonderful.”

Former pizza executive Herman Cain refused to weigh in on either side, instead referring again to the numbers 9-9-9. “Nine squares, nine wipes, nine minutes. Works every time.”

Mr. Perry has seized on the issue to drive home the point that Mr. Romney lacks authenticity. “I didn’t start standing when it was convenient. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon and a golden toilet seat. I grew up with an outhouse, with fire ants, and you didn’t sit longer than you had to.”

With Mr. Romney on the defensive, the debate could dominate the campaign ahead. “I think it’s the most important issue of our time,” declared Representative Michele Bachman. “Jesus was a stander.”

Washington – Hundreds of disheveled men descended upon the Capitol today, bindle sticks over their shoulders, and burst into a meeting of the House Transportation Committee, demanding investment in the nation’s railroads.

“Hobos can hardly get ’round riding steel,” complained Gimpy Jim Two Toes. “Rails ain’t what they used to be.”

Stinky Billy Bottoms agreed. “Gettin’ too dangerous to dive these days, derailin’ and all. Chicken Nugget Kid greased the tracks, caught the big northbound, know what I mean.”

Committee Chairman John Mica assured the men Congress was already at work on a $300 billion highway spending bill, however the hobos were not satisfied.

“We ain’t hot foot rubber tramps doggin’ it on Greyhound,” shouted Christmas Charlie Arkansas. “We hobos.”

The 2009 federal stimulus package allocated $8 billion for high-speed rail projects. Still, the men insist trains are in fact slowing down. “Might as well hop off and walk,” said Mr. Two Toes.

Chairman Mica promised Congress would investigate immediately, but the hobos refused to leave. They unpacked their bindles, unfolded newspaper blankets, and brought in an oil drum to boil clothes.

Mr. Bottoms stripped to the waist and smiled as he cranked open a can of beans. “We campin’ here til this country gets back on track.”

Washington – On the brink of bankruptcy, the United States Post Office is introducing a new line of stamps in a last ditch effort to raise revenue. The Scratch N’ Sniff stamps will be available with scents including Holiday Tree, Hawaiian Tropic, and George Washington.

“I got a whiff of the future,” Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue declared. “And it smells good.”

The Post Office has seen business steadily decline since the advent of the internet, but General Donahue believes the new stamps will reverse the trend. “We’re making mail cool again. You can’t smell email, end of story.”

General Donahue was forced to look for creative solutions since federal law forbids raising postage fees faster than inflation or reducing deliveries, while union contracts prohibit layoffs. The Post Office employs over half a million workers to deliver mail to the far corners of the country, providing some people with their only contact to the outside world.

“We’ve got old folks in the bag,” General Donahue explained. “We need to get them youngsters.”

Indeed, the Post Office will soon join forces with Skippy’s Ice Cream to deliver signature soft-serve and frozen popsicles along with the mail. “Kids will hear our trucks and come running,” General Donahue continued.

The Post Office is also banking on additional corporate sponsors after Hawaiian Tropic’s sun-tan lotion scented stamp wowed test groups.

The George Washington stamp was not greeted as warmly, with reviews ranging from “grandpa” to “musty old man smoking a pipe.” General Donahue insisted it is historically accurate. “Smell the future,” he beamed. “Scratch it, love it.”

Scranton, PA – Rookie sensation Jimmy Sanders wiped the sweat from his brow and steadied his hand, reaching surgically for his sixteenth block. Then the table shifted subtly, the stack shuddered, and the world came crashing down.

In a single moment, the World Jenga Championship was lost. “My life is over,” Mr. Sanders said. He could not be reached for further comment.

Tuesday’s 5.8-magnitude earthquake in Virginia sent shockwaves surging through the Pennsylvania bedrock and the competitive Jenga community.

Under Article 142.1 of the Handbook for Jenga Sport, Mr. Sanders was judged responsible for the stack’s collapse. IJL Commissioner Eric Lassard confirmed the earthquake constituted a “force majeure” under League Rules.

“When there’s an act of god on your turn, you lose, period,” Mr. Lassard said. “Somebody up there just doesn’t like you.”

Until Tuesday, fortune had smiled upon Mr. Sanders, a hometown kid who won a local church qualifier and was “living his dream playing with the big boys.”

Mr. Sanders made an incredible run to the Championship match, knocking off heavyweight Sonny “Stacks” Maxwell and defending champ Yuvgeni Kasparov.

In the final, he faced Hungarian superstar Hans Stone, known to adoring fans as “The Hands of Stone” for his seemingly inhuman precision and dexterity.

But Mr. Sanders somehow matched him, block for block. The stack had shrunk to an awkward spindly tower, each turn seeming to further defy gravity.

Experts indicate that Mr. Sanders was taking control. “He had Stone backed into a corner,” veteran stacker Marcus Finch said. “It’s like vertical chess, you have to think ten moves ahead. He had check-mate on the table.”

However, it was Mr. Stone who slipped on the gilded winner’s belt. “I am invincible,” he declared. “God guides my hands. God destroys my enemies.”

Reformers insist there should be a rule change, requiring a restart of the match. But any change will have to wait until next year’s World Conference in Munich.

Too late for Jimmy Sanders. A woman answering at his address suggested he was out in the woods, whittling sticks. “He was always good with wood,” she said.

Manhattan – President Obama raised his glass and the fundraiser crowd hushed instantly. “Times are tough,” he told the guests, who forked over $35,800 each for dinner with the commander in chief. “We’ve got problems. And we can’t do much about them. But I got something to say, to you, and the American people, don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff.”

Obama urged everyone to “forget the future and live in the now.”

The President credited an unlikely inspiration for his new campaign theme. “Geithner and I were up all night trying to figure out how to fix the economy, eating Chinese food. I got this fortune cookie, and it said the problems of today will be buried by the sands of time. Boom. That’s when it hit me.”

“We can’t live life like one big emergency, with every day another debt ceiling. It’s like that Coldplay song, you know, every teardrop is a waterfall.”

“Sure unemployment is up, our credit rating is down, and the markets are out of control. But we need to step back, take a deep breath, and accept the things we can’t change. At the end of the day, there’s always more to do in life’s inbox.”

“The purpose of life isn’t to get everything done, but to enjoy each moment.”

“Take a moment to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. I carry around a little picture in my pocket, Bin Laden, with a bullet in his head. Always makes me smile.”

“We can’t sweat the economy and all that static. It is what it is. What we can do is win re-election in 2012.” The crowd responded as one. “Yes we can.”