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Parris Island, SC – Just six minutes into the 13 week Army training course here known as “hell on earth,” Private Chester Kyle raised his hand and asked for a five minute break. When the drill instructor offered him 50 push-ups instead, Private Kyle requested permission to file a “grievance” and see a counselor.

Instructed to “shut his pie-hole” and referred to as a “numb-nuts,” Private Kyle promptly walked out of the bunkhouse and called his mom for a ride home.

“I didn’t sign on for that kind of criticism,” Mr. Pyle said. “I’m not just a maggot–I’m a human being with feelings and hobbies. I play guitar and stuff.” He is now suing the Army for harassment and intentional infliction of emotional distress. His lawsuit alleges that the Marine Corps promotes a “culture of intimidation, conformity, and strict discipline.”

Now others are bravely stepping forward with similar horror stories of bullying and peer pressure at boot camp and throughout the military.

Former Navy SEAL Jack Thompson confessed he is still “reeling” from receiving a low score in his Basic Underwater Demolition course and finding a bar of soap in his sock drawer.

Trent Masters reported that once during basic training he was subjected to a “Code Red” and compelled to clean a small bathroom with just a toothbrush, and was then issued a new one with soft instead of medium bristles. Later his dentist discovered two cavities and “significant tartar buildup.”

“My life will never be the same,” he said. Since the incident, Masters has found peace with the help of a “spiritual adviser,” and in the sanctuary of a suburban office park, continued his military career as a drone operator.

Moscow – Edward Snowden stood over a hotplate warming Borscht when his phone buzzed. “Your country needs you,” the text read, followed by a link to Healthcare.gov–which led to an error page announcing “technical difficulties.”

Then another text: “Fix it, and all is forgiven.” After a short Skype session with President Obama, the fugitive NSA leaker was aboard a military jet bound for Washington, DC. “Russian Tinder was really weird,” Mr. Snowden explained.

Snowden will reportedly lead the “tech surge” to repair and revamp the administration’s online implementation of the Affordable Care Act. The news comes just days after damaging new details emerged from the former contractor’s trove, that the USA had spied on friendly foreign presidents, the Pope, and Mrs. Obama. Despite denying knowledge the taps were taking place, an inside source revealed that Mr. Obama had direct personal involvement, seeking to ascertain what the First Lady was thinking “in the sack.”

But the President now considers the leaks “water under the bridge,” and has pledged the entire resources of the federal government to assist Snowden in rescuing the problem-riddled website, including unlimited Mountain Dew.

After reviewing the code, Snowden suggested it was going to be a tough job. “This looks like a WordPress blog…from 2006,” he said, shaking his head.  Asked why he abandoned his comfortable asylum in Russia, Snowden shrugged. “Putin never did teach me ju-jitsu. And there was no Chipotle.”

Mountain View, CA – Calling it his “life’s work, the Holy Grail, and culmination of modern civilization,” Google CEO Larry Page revealed the stunning secret purpose of his company’s amazing wearable computer: virtual pornography. During a five minute demo of the Gl-Ass headset, Mr. Page twice stopped to stoop-walk to the bathroom after requesting hand lotion from the media.

“Search, images, video, maps, email, chat, android–it was all leading up to this,” Mr. Page continued, unable to look away from the small clear lens mounted below his right eye. “Man has always dared to dream the impossible. Now that dream is a reality. My work here is done.” Then, Mr. Page dropped the mic and walked off-stage to thunderous applause from the male-dominated crowd.

Google stock soared to over $2,000 per share until the NASDAQ was shut down due to unprecedented volume trading. With the “release” date for the full consumer version still months away, Google announced it would offer a limited number of head-sets for beta testing. A mob of over a thousand men gathered almost instantly outside the company’s Mountain View headquarters.

The Kleenex-packing horde smashed down doors and bludgeoned security guards, forcing their way into the new product division, only to find out the demos were still being manufactured in China. As police arrived on the scene, several men were interrogating employees for Mr. Page’s home address.

“It’s for my girlfriend,” one man insisted, raising his hands for the police, an old gym sock dangling from his front pocket.

At press time, there were no confirmed arrests, and the SWAT team members had reportedly joined in a charter flight to Shanghai.

“Luxury, Reliability, Performance, and Wheel Mounted Retractable Scythes.” Welcome to the all new Range Rover B.I.G. Class.

In the wake of the Manhattan assault of Range Rover driver Alex Lien and his family by a gang of two-wheel bandits, Tata Motors (TTM NYSE) is unveiling an enhanced version of its popular sports utility vehicle, featuring leather seats, bullet and helmet proof windows, run-flat tires, and a computer-controlled suspension to roll over motorcycles without spilling a drop of espresso.

Sources indicate that RR drivers, while pleased with the spine-crunching power displayed in the assault video, were concerned with the vehicle’s vulnerabilities. Now the only thing they have to fear is running out of gas.

“Your chariot awaits,” announced company spokesman Sebastian Terrell. The notorious Rover comes standard with “Rabble Mode.” At the touch of a button, serrated blades extend from the titanium wheel hubs and additional power is diverted to the drive train to plow through hoodlums, hippies, and paparazzi like freshly fallen snow. In addition, a soothing soundtrack automates from the Dolby Surround speakers with options including gentle waves, summer rain, or the hushed broadcast of the 1986 Masters won by Jack Nicklaus.

“Enhance your calm,” Mr. Terrell smiled. “Enjoy the climate controlled air, if you’s a true player. And whatever life puts in your way, keep rolling.”

Des Moines – Area native Jake Goldman amazingly recorded the entire one hour and forty minute Train concert last night on his iPhone 5 and posted it online. Early YouTube reviews are calling it “Digital Parkinson’s” and “sounds like a travel radio in a crinkly paper bag, in a wind tunnel.”

But some are calling the “camera man” a hero. Skip Chandler, who attended with Goldman, marveled at his friend’s will to make a memory for everyone to enjoy. “He did it for the world. So that they could be there, in the moment.”

The video shows a sea of other hands and small screens, with several figures appearing to play instruments on a smoke-filled stage in the distance. The music is punctuated throughout by the exhortations of a nearby inebriate and the chatter of several girls looking for a bathroom.

Goldman insists he only meant to record one song, but when Train dropped a rare b-side and then debuted new material, he knew he had to continue filming. “It was so special,” Goldman said, wearing a tired but satisfied smile, his shoulder iced like a pitcher after 12 innings of work.

“The battery red-lined and I couldn’t feel my arm,” Goldman continued. “But somehow I felt an inner peace and calm. It might have been all the bong hits I ripped in the parking lot.”

As additional shorter videos from the concert appeared online, Goldman said he looked forward to piecing together the concert experience he missed. “I was kind of distracted,” Goldman admitted. “And my screen is cracked in a million places. But it’s not about me. It’s about the music!”

Damascus – Refugees streaming into Jordan and Turkey ran headlong into a mysterious transparent wall today, as the U.S. announced it had a “domed off” war-ravaged Syria in an impregnable and invisible force-field.

“We really don’t need that shit right now,” an anonymous administration official said. “We got our own problems.”

President Obama confirmed the dome’s existence at a mid-day press conference. “They crossed the red line, then they crossed the crimson line. Now we’re full-blown maroon. Enough is enough.”

According to Pentagon sources, military scientists have been working around the clock on the modern Manhattan project since watching the pilot episode of Stephen King’s Under the Dome television series.

Finally, the dome was lowered when CIA officials confirmed that the Assad regime had used chemical weapons against rebels and civilians.

“Now if they use gas, they’ll gas themselves too,” Vice President Biden said. “Dutch-oven style!”

The administration also promised that U.N. inspectors would be allowed to safely observe and monitor dome events from outside. “Pull up a chair and pop some corn,” one source smiled. “This should be interesting.”

President Obama warned that the new containment strategy could be used to cut off other problem countries. “Check it, you mess with the bull, you get the dome. I’m talking to you Egypt.”

The Russian and Chinese governments initially objected to the dome, but later agreed on one condition — that twerking teen Miley Cyrus be sealed inside.

Update: After the British Parliament voted against intervention in Syria, the White House high donor bed and breakfast is now offering Freedom Muffins.

Burbank – A new miracle diet that melts away the pounds without exercise. Sound too good to be true? This is the Guantanamo Diet – the latest sensation among celebrities and skeleton enthusiasts.

Based on the involuntary enteral eating program at the American Naval Base, the diet requires “detainees” to wear a fashionable feeding tube twice a day, which delivers direct to the stomach a life-sustaining liquid ration custom made by nutrition guru and former prison guard Ralph Sampson.

“I can even feed while driving,” Kim Kardashian raved, giving her “fuel pouch” a gentle squeeze. “It’s like the South Beach diet, but farther south I think.” Kardashian hopes to shed eighty pounds of baby weight before the end of the summer. “I can’t wait to get in a bright orange swim-suit!” she smiled.

“Into the nose and down it goes,” Mr. Sampson says in the instruction guide, which recommends nasal lubricant and slow, steady pressure on the pouch to avoid stomach upset and bloating. The guide also includes testimonials from some of the original success stories.

Abdalmalik Wahab, a Guantanamo resident since 2002, lost over sixty pounds in just three months on the amazing diet, dropping from 195 to a slim and wheelchair-bound 129. “I can count all my ribs,” he said. “If only they could see me in Yemen now!”

Brooklyn – The lights dimmed and guitars died as Chaz Rain held two lollipop mallets an inch above the long row of wooden bars. Then with a delicate storm, he launched into percussive introspection, raising a soundscape of small hills and gentle plains.  But just 30 seconds into his six minute soliloquy, he threw the mallets into the crowd and stormed off the stage.

Undeterred, Terminal Idiocy resumed its jam to rapturous applause and synchronized head nodding.

“Every time I play it, a little piece of me dies inside,” Rain said backstage, drinking heavily from a bottle. “Fucking xylophone. It’s emasculating.”

Terminal Idiocy began as the power metal trio Dirt Nap, unleashing a string of aggressive but commercially unsuccessful albums in the late 90’s. Then in 2006, lead singer Logan Prescott had an epiphany while attending a sold-out stadium Dave Matthews Band show. “We needed to suck more,” Prescott said.

At the same time, the indie rock wave was rising, with bands like Arcade Fire introducing alternative instruments like the harp, mandolin, and glockenspiel to the quivering masses. Terminal Idiocy would combine the exotic sounds of the avant-garde with the endless circle jerk and soloing of jam bands.

The result was an overnight smash success, with T.I.’s “Mountain of Gold” peaking at number 3 on the Alternative Billboard Top 100, and shows selling out across the globe. Seven years later, Chaz Rain barely plays the drums anymore, instead taking turns at the triangle, wind chimes, and dinner bell.

“All my life, I just wanted to beat the skins,” he said, rising warily for the encore. “Ringo, Bonham, Moon, Peart. They’d never stand for this.”

Washington – “Big Papa is watching u” read the text message on the iPhone of Miles Slater, a sixteen year old at the exclusive Sidwell Friends School here attended by President Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha. Mr. Slater reportedly started receiving texts from an anonymous number two weeks ago, around the same time he asked Malia to “go steady.”

“Keep it safe ;)” the phone buzzed, as the pair held hands one day. Then, the night of the Sidwell Summer Dance, “Keep it in your pants.” When Mr. Slater took Malia on their first date, and they eluded her Secret Service detail for a few moments, he received a warning: “I can kill people. It’s no big thing…LOL.”

Panicked, Mr. Slater asked a hacker friend to trace the messages. They were coming from the White House. After Mr. Slater posted the news on a Reddit forum, a part-time NSA contractor/massage therapist blew the lid off a massive surveillance program, specifically targeting the First Daughters.

C.H.A.S.T.E. monitors all cellphone calls, messages and online activity involving Malia and Sasha, with cooperation from Verizon, which carries the Obamas’ family talk plan, Google, Comcast, Facebook, and Twitter.

“There will be no sexting on my watch,” President Obama declared at a morning press conference, thumbing through last night’s chatter and shaking his head. “Does anyone know what LMFR means? WTF is YOLO?”

The President denied diverting an NSA satellite to spy on his daughters, but defended his right to use any means to protect them. “We must be vigilant to keep our children safe, because they are the future. And father knows best.”

Boston – Cathy and Craig Stevens raced into place behind the high-chair as the camera counted down. “Say cheese!” they beamed. The camera flashed, and their one-year-old son Blake answered with an indecipherable gurgle. Then the proud parents blew out the candles on his cake and immediately posted the picture to Facebook.

“We just had to share this one!” Mrs. Stevens exclaimed, as she set up another shot. “It was so special.” Blake has now been tagged in exactly 5000 pictures. The  263 albums include such seminal moments as his first dirty diaper and “that funny face” he made when Mom and Dad played Jay-Z one time.

Mr. Stevens started capturing little Blake’s “life journey” in the delivery room. He took a picture of the wet baby and placenta, and posted it with the caption “Zero Years Old!” The picture was liked by over 400 friends and family. And a Christmas card with Blake bundled in a reindeer stocking was reportedly affixed to at least 37 refrigerator doors.

“That’s when we knew he was the cutest baby ever born,” Mrs. Stevens said. “And we had to share him with the world.”

Mrs. Stevens, director of social media synergy at an image branding company, found an “insatiable” audience among her 2,126 Facebook friends. She started posting one pic a day, then ten, then printed t-shirts for her 200 “close friends.”

Moreover, Mr. Stevens reports his son is a natural prodigy and a gifted athlete. “When we play Mozart, he just gets it. You can tell. And the way he crawls, the movement is so fluid and beautiful, like watching a ballerina or LeBron James.”

But Blake’s older sister insists there is nothing special about the toddler web star. “He just sits there with that stupid look on his face and craps himself all day,” Megan said. “My grandpa does the exact same thing.”