Man Embarks on 100 Year Student Loan Repayment Plan

Back to SchoolAfter over a decade of late afternoon classes, consolidations, and deferrals, Thornton Melon made his first student loan payment today, and if all goes to plan, the recent grad should be debt free in 2114. “It’s a long journey to zero,” Melon admitted. “But I packed a suitcase full of knowledge.”

The journey began in 2002 at NYU, where Melon enrolled pre-law. “College was a bit of a blur,” Melon said. After graduation, the 1980′s Cinema major dipped his toes into the job market. “But I wasn’t about to work 40 hours a week,” he said. Instead, he obtained a generous new loan from the the federal government and returned to school for an MFA in Interpretive Haiku. “Before I knew it, I was a quarter mil in the hole.”

When Chubby Rain, his book of prose and poetry, failed to find a publisher, Melon briefly considered declaring bankruptcy, before learning that his student loans would be unaffected. “That’s when I decided to double down and go PhD,” Melon continued. “You gotta spend money to make money.” He earned a doctorate in Star Trek Literature Post-Shatner and then looked for a job with the help of his old high school guidance counselor. “Mr. Terguson really cares,” he said. “About what I have no idea.”

Still, Melon is confident that investing in his education will pay off. “Sure I could have started a business with the 500K, or bought the Batmobile, but who was gonna give a guy like me a loan for that? Besides, work experience is overrated. Now I’ve got the tools to think outside the box, like living in a cardboard one.”

On Monday Melon wrote Uncle Sam a check for $417 dollars, which he says, “probably won’t bounce.” He now has 1,199 monthly payments remaining and insists he’s good for it. “With advances in cyborg technology, I could easily go another century.”

Informed that interest over 100 years would bring the loan balance to approximately 1.2 million dollars, Melon dusted off an old LSAT study guide and shrugged. “I always wanted to try law school.”

Freed Taliban Prisoners to Start Food Truck

Halal HermanosQatar – Fresh out of Guantanamo from the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap, five battle-hardened Taliban commandos are now declaring Jihad on hunger. Their food truck, “Halal Hermanos,” is set to debut in downtown Doha this afternoon.

“Weren’t not just another white sauce hot sauce joint,” said Mohammad Fazl, a former mujahideen warrior and now the group’s spokesman. “This is real Afghan food, with a Cuban-American twist. Yeah we do schwarma, chicken and rice, the classics, but how about a side of sweet plantains or asiago truffle fries? Boom.”

While some of their compatriots were being force-fed, the five Taliban were watching Food Network, tinkering with recipes, and working on a detailed business plan. With negotiations for the release of Bergdahl at a standstill, the group finally made their pitch to American and Qatari diplomats, including a sample tasting menu. “I was sweating bullets,” Fazl said.

Rave reviews put the prisoner swap on fast-track, and the group turned to soliciting start-up capital. “Starting a business with your own money is like starting a land war in Asia,” CFO Abdul Haq Wasiq said. Fortunately, they were able to get financing from Qatari oil shieks affiliated with the Haqqani network. “We’ve used them before,” Wasiq winked.

Amidst a firestorm of criticism, President Obama defended the exchange, hailing the trained killers as small business owners. “They are no longer a clear and present danger, except to the competition,” Obama said. The President cited their years working in cramped conditions and “roadside expertise” as a recipe for success.

“We blow you away, with flavor,” head chef Mullah Norullah Noori promised. And if all goes well, the food truck will be coming soon to America, along with a secret weapon. Noori updated the truck’s Twitter feed and smiled. “Siracha.”

“Business Nude” Dress Code Starting to Take Off

Business NudeSan Francisco – They say that one of the tricks to successful public speaking is to imagine everyone in the audience undressed. Now a growing number of Bay area businesses are asking, why not just get naked?

Every day Brett Stevenson boards the company shuttle bus with flip-flops, an iPad, organic coffee, and no pants. After spreading out a sanitary seat cover, he sprawls out and checks his email. “Gotta let the boys breathe,” he said.

Then at the Mountain View headquarters of Cumulus, a new cloud-based content aggregation platform, Stevenson walks into the wide open “energy hub” on the main floor and takes a seat amid a dozen other naked men and women. There are no walls, and the swivel chairs are made with a proprietary odor-resistant mesh.

“We like to say our culture is collegial, ” Cumulus guru Chaz Michaels beamed. “Not just an open door policy. No doors. No walls. No clothes. No limits.”

But according to workplace experts, office nudity may threaten productivity and provoke sexual harassment. “Your bottom does not contribute to the bottom line,” business consultant Dave Green said. “Unless you’re a stripper.”

To Michaels, that thinking is as outdated as dial-up modems. “In twenty years we went from business to business casual, to smart casual,” he continued, bending over in downward dog on a yoga mat. “It’s time to get just plain casual.”

Clippers Owner Top Vote Getter for Live Execution

American DeathHollywood – Just minutes after opening online polls for this week’s episode, the website for the controversial show American Death crashed today due to unprecedented traffic. Early results show L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling receiving 99.9% of votes for execution, with no votes against.

“This was an easy one,” said host Damien Killian, who joined the show after a stint on Family Feud. “I mean I’d pull the trigger myself.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver hailed the vote as a “slam-dunk for our progressive multicultural democracy.” As to rumors the league is investigating the Minnesota Timberwolves for regularly starting three white players, the Commissioner declined to comment.

American Death was originally launched on PBS for the humane termination of criminals after several botched state executions. “Practice makes perfect,” Killian said. Each week viewers could vote for a criminal from America’s Best Death Row and choose the method of execution. Hanging quickly became a crowd favorite, followed closely by firing squad, with the chair a distant third.

PBS is now the most watched television station in the world, with American Death spawning imitators including Canada’s Got Bullets! and Putin Strangles You in Russia. Advertising revenue has allowed for across the board tax cuts and boosted President Obama’s approval ratings to 49%.

After the Sterling audiotape outed the NBA owner as an unabashed racist, Creative Artists Agency brokered a deal with the Justice Department to open the Death Row list to “special talent.” Specifically, any individual receiving more than one million votes, with less than one percent of votes against, is now eligible for an “on-air appearance.”

The Sterling execution is set for broadcast Saturday during half-time of the Clippers Warriors playoff game, following the juggling act of a golden retriever. With ratings expected to top the Super Bowl, producers are already looking for the next star of American Death.

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder was reportedly seen boarding his private plane in the dead of night.

Groundhog Ritually Sacrificed for Early Spring

Groundhog DayAfter yet another storm dumped a foot of snow overnight, Punxsutawney Phil was dragged back out of his hole today and eviscerated before a restive crowd cheering for an end to winter. Wearing a black robe, Mayor Connors carved out the rodent’s heart with an obsidian knife, before biting into the beating flesh.

“Bring us an early spring,” the Mayor demanded looking skyward, his mouth stained red. “For the old Gods and the new, for jean shorts and Crocs, we commit this false idol to eternal repeating damnation.” The mayor cast the carcass into a bonfire as townspeople huddled around for warmth.

Sunday, the so-called seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators had glimpsed his shadow, foretelling another six weeks of winter. The finding was cited by several Republicans as “hard evidence” that global warming is a hoax.

“The woodchuck has spoken,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. “Science can’t change that. He died for our sins. Who are we to question his wisdom?”

Followers claim Punxsutawney Phil was over 124 years old at his death and owed his longevity to a magical elixir imbibed every summer. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Phil’s predictions had been correct 39% of the time.

“Hit a baseball that often and you go to the hall of fame and have your head frozen at Alcor,” Senator Cruz said.

Later this week several other animals are expected to make a forecast, including a duck-billed platypus and a large squirrel. Cruz dismissed all the impostors. “We believe in one fur-covered mammal and his kingdom will have no end.”

Mayor Connors was not so sure. “I just want to see a woman without a parka,” he said. “Let me make a suggestion to that platypus: tread lightly.”

Putin to Lead Russian Two Man Luge Olympic Team

Two Man LugingSochi – For months star Russian luger Marko “the Bear” Rameus has been training nights at the Olympic track here, accompanied by a mysterious helmeted man. With a huge security force patrolling the perimeter, onlookers could only hear the swish of the sled, and occasional manly grunts.

But today Rameus finally came forward with his partner, Russian President Vladimir Putin. “We will win the gold,” Putin declared. “We have been luging hard and fast, two men together as one.”

Putin called the event his secret passion. “I’ve been practicing by myself for many years,” he added. “Watching film, visualizing, working on my technique.” The Russian leader denied reports that he backed out of the biathlon after the IOC declined to permit the use of “realistic” shooting targets from Chechnya.

Putting an arm around Rameus, the Lycra-clad head of state said he wanted to set an example for all children. “Dare to dream,” he said. “Follow your heart, and let gravity do the rest.”

The lugers also announced that Putin would be on top of the two man team. “It’s a matter of aerodynamics,” Putin said. “The top generates downward thrust and my hips are better for speed.”

Rameus, with his considerable girth and experience, will steer from the bottom. “You have to almost feel by instinct,” Rameus said. “Sometimes it’s all over before you can even take a breath.”

Asked if they ever experimented with trading places, Putin and Rameus smiled. “Only after a lot of Vodka,” Putin said.

Dr. Dre Beats Helmet Blamed for Rash of Accidents

Beats HelmetNew York – A local man was rushed to the hospital today after walking directly into traffic wearing the new “360 surround” Beats Helmet by Dr. Dre. When paramedics finally pried the $500 headgear off the fallen Jeff Anderson, witnesses reported hearing unintelligible lyrics and “rich bass sound.”

According to authorities, the accident is the latest in a series of mishaps involving the Beats Helmet. A Bronx man reportedly ignored shouted warnings and fell down an open elevator shaft, while a Brooklyn family almost roasted after not hearing their smoke detector. And last night’s Times Square melee was apparently sparked by several youths bumping helmets.

“Live in your own world,” Dr. Dre suggests in the Beats Helmet ad campaign. “Listen to you.”

Boasting a “unique immersive listening experience,” the helmet features noise-cancelling technology, spherical acoustics, and zero peripheral vision. All with the signature cache brand stamped on the forehead. Also available in black. Experts indicate the helmet does not, however, provide any more safety value than wearing a brown paper bag.

As sales continue to explode among professional athletes, politicians, subway commuters, and cool kids at the bus stop, officials are preparing for a public health crisis caused by the “willfully deaf.” Reached for comment, Jeff Anderson turned up the volume on his cheap hospital headphones to the tune of Mos Def.