“I love my job, my dog :) and traveling the world,” read the profile of yolobro28 on the popular dating site MutualFriends.com, revealed Friday to belong to Simon Chester of Manhattan. According to sources, Mr. Chester, 35, is a low-level accountant who lives with a cat named Furry and does not own a passport.
Despite boasting online of his athletic build, six foot two frame, and a well-rounded personality, Chester appeared at the Pulitzer ceremony today a diminutive obese man. “He’s round alright,” said Clark Davis, a friend who reported that Chester spends 100% of his free time playing Magic the Gathering. “Like a bowling ball.”
After a string of unsuccessful first dates, Chester was nominated for the award, going to head to head with Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch, a coming-of-age novel that follows a grieving boy’s entanglement with a small famous painting that has eluded destruction.
Samantha Thompson, 38, came in third place for her “startlingly imaginative” Tinder profile, where the reclusive misanthrope boasted of her “amazing friends” and “love of cooking.” Ms. Thompson, who posted pictures from her high-school prom, does in fact have a a large collection of ketchup packets and plastic forks.
The Pulitzer Committee praised Chester’s “evocative abbreviation, clever wordplay, and well-placed emoticons.” Several committee members confessed to sending Chester repeated messages on MutualFriends and never hearing back.
They singled out his tagline, “You only live ONCE–in this life,” as pure poetry.
At press-time, Chester was reportedly seen having an awkward conversation with Ms. Thompson.