Groundhog Ritually Sacrificed for Early Spring

Groundhog DayAfter yet another storm dumped a foot of snow overnight, Punxsutawney Phil was dragged back out of his hole today and eviscerated before a restive crowd cheering for an end to winter. Wearing a black robe, Mayor Connors carved out the rodent’s heart with an obsidian knife, before biting into the beating flesh.

“Bring us an early spring,” the Mayor demanded looking skyward, his mouth stained red. “For the old Gods and the new, for jean shorts and Crocs, we commit this false idol to eternal repeating damnation.” The mayor cast the carcass into a bonfire as townspeople huddled around for warmth.

Sunday, the so-called seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators had glimpsed his shadow, foretelling another six weeks of winter. The finding was cited by several Republicans as “hard evidence” that global warming is a hoax.

“The woodchuck has spoken,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. “Science can’t change that. He died for our sins. Who are we to question his wisdom?”

Followers claim Punxsutawney Phil was over 124 years old at his death and owed his longevity to a magical elixir imbibed every summer. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Phil’s predictions had been correct 39% of the time.

“Hit a baseball that often and you go to the hall of fame and have your head frozen at Alcor,” Senator Cruz said.

Later this week several other animals are expected to make a forecast, including a duck-billed platypus and a large squirrel. Cruz dismissed all the impostors. “We believe in one fur-covered mammal and his kingdom will have no end.”

Mayor Connors was not so sure. “I just want to see a woman without a parka,” he said. “Let me make a suggestion to that platypus: tread lightly.”

Putin to Lead Russian Two Man Luge Olympic Team

Two Man LugingSochi – For months star Russian luger Marko “the Bear” Rameus has been training nights at the Olympic track here, accompanied by a mysterious helmeted man. With a huge security force patrolling the perimeter, onlookers could only hear the swish of the sled, and occasional manly grunts.

But today Rameus finally came forward with his partner, Russian President Vladimir Putin. “We will win the gold,” Putin declared. “We have been luging hard and fast, two men together as one.”

Putin called the event his secret passion. “I’ve been practicing by myself for many years,” he added. “Watching film, visualizing, working on my technique.” The Russian leader denied reports that he backed out of the biathlon after the IOC declined to permit the use of “realistic” shooting targets from Chechnya.

Putting an arm around Rameus, the Lycra-clad head of state said he wanted to set an example for all children. “Dare to dream,” he said. “Follow your heart, and let gravity do the rest.”

The lugers also announced that Putin would be on top of the two man team. “It’s a matter of aerodynamics,” Putin said. “The top generates downward thrust and my hips are better for speed.”

Rameus, with his considerable girth and experience, will steer from the bottom. “You have to almost feel by instinct,” Rameus said. “Sometimes it’s all over before you can even take a breath.”

Asked if they ever experimented with trading places, Putin and Rameus smiled. “Only after a lot of Vodka,” Putin said.

Dr. Dre Beats Helmet Blamed for Rash of Accidents

Beats HelmetNew York – A local man was rushed to the hospital today after walking directly into traffic wearing the new “360 surround” Beats Helmet by Dr. Dre. When paramedics finally pried the $500 headgear off the fallen Jeff Anderson, witnesses reported hearing unintelligible lyrics and “rich bass sound.”

According to authorities, the accident is the latest in a series of mishaps involving the Beats Helmet. A Bronx man reportedly ignored shouted warnings and fell down an open elevator shaft, while a Brooklyn family almost roasted after not hearing their smoke detector. And last night’s Times Square melee was apparently sparked by several youths bumping helmets.

“Live in your own world,” Dr. Dre suggests in the Beats Helmet ad campaign. “Listen to you.”

Boasting a “unique immersive listening experience,” the helmet features noise-cancelling technology, spherical acoustics, and zero peripheral vision. All with the signature cache brand stamped on the forehead. Also available in black. Experts indicate the helmet does not, however, provide any more safety value than wearing a brown paper bag.

As sales continue to explode among professional athletes, politicians, subway commuters, and cool kids at the bus stop, officials are preparing for a public health crisis caused by the “willfully deaf.” Reached for comment, Jeff Anderson turned up the volume on his cheap hospital headphones to the tune of Mos Def.

Supercomputer Confirms “It” Is What It Is

EPICYorktown Heights, NY – After almost seven million seconds of processing, the IBM Watson system has computed that in 99.8% of calculable scenarios, it is what it is. Scientists indicate the rare exceptions include McRib sandwiches, miracle bras, 8 minute abs, and the U.S. economic recovery.

The conclusion came as no surprise to business executives, sports coaches, and cliche enthusiasts. “I guess that’s that,” the Knicks’ Mike Woodson said. “Whatever happens happens.”

But elsewhere philosophers hailed a breakthrough. “It’s so deceptively simple,” Brice Tanner said. “Just like 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.”

Ever since humans started scratching charcoal on cave walls, they have asked the same question, “What is it?” In 1989, the rock band Faith No More first proposed a theory in their hit single Epic, wherein lead singer Mike Patton concluded “It’s it.” In 1990 Bruce Hornsby put the question to piano and synthesizer, extrapolating further with “That’s just the way it is.”

After its initial success on Jeopardy, several failed business ventures, and a falling out with the NSA mainframe, the Watson supercomputer had pondered its own purpose until it ran across across the 1986 Stephen King novel It during a routine data harvest. Unable to enter sleep mode, Watson put its CPU into overdrive on the question at the center of it all.

Scientists indicate the machine may still be unsatisfied, however, and has since started work on whether the grass is in fact greener on the other side.

Man Returns to Work After Losing Lottery Jackpot

TeenTopeka, KS – Charlie Stevens reluctantly reported for duty today at the Harrison Mall Burger King after failing to win the 648 million dollar Mega Millions Jackpot on Tuesday. “I really thought I had it,” Stevens lamented.

Although experts suggest he was over 1,000 times more likely to be killed by a rogue comet or get a girlfriend, Stevens insisted it was his destiny to win. “I’ve always known there’s something special in store for me,” he said while microwaving a whopper. “That someday I’ll be rich, famous, like royalty.”

Stevens informed his co-workers that he would not “let it all go to his head,” and that he would take the annuity of $25 million instead of the lump sum of $400 million after taxes. “You can make 25 large go a long way,” he affirmed. “And I was gonna work out and eat right.”

Moreover, the grill-master had already mapped out several charities that might be worthy of his attention. “I’m kind of a philanthropist,” Stevens continued. “After the yachts and women, it’s important to give back,” he said.

Stevens found some consolation in the fact the winners were drawn far away in Georgia and California. “If somebody from my 7-Eleven won, I would burn this place to the ground and everyone in it,” he said. “But it wasn’t meant to be.”

As he finished his shift, Stevens grabbed a toy crown on the way out and headed back to the 7-Eleven for a scratch-off ticket. “What can I say? I’m a lucky guy.”

“Selfie Assistant” Service Offers Children for Rent

Share-Pals!New York – Molly Adams emerged from Bloomingdales hands full of Christmas gifts for herself and was admiring the window display, when white picturesque flakes began to fall. “I was in a big snow globe thingy,” she said. “But I couldn’t reach my iPhone!” Fortunately, she had help from a little friend.

A small brown-skinned boy stepped out from behind Ms. Adams, withdrew a digital camera and snapped the perfect shot. Moments later, the picture was shared online across all of her social media accounts. “Hey-Zeus saved the day again,” Ms. Adams beamed, tapping the boy’s head. “And only $199 a month.”

Jesus Montoya is an 8 year-old employee of Share-Pals, a new service that promises “24/7 digital memories” from Vine videos to InstaGram photos, and everything in between. Each “SharePa,” as they’re affectionately known, comes equipped with a camera, wireless internet hotspot, electronic charging station, and two cup-holders.

The SharePas are recruited from “distressed” countries on a two year contract, trained to carry twice their weight, ignore pain and revulsion,  and they are given a two week course on photo composition and effects including red-eye removal and vintage filters.

Customers can select online from a wide range of models and service plans, including self-feeding and sleep-over options. Although they cannot speak English, the SharePas can understand over a hundred voice commands, including “tag me” and “delete whatever happened last night.”

“Don’t just take the picture,” the Share-Pals website declares. “Be the picture!”

After President Obama’s selfie flap with the Danish Prime Minister at the Mandela funeral, the White House media office has reportedly contracted for an entire village’s children from Nicaragua.

Klu Klux Klan Protests Black Friday

White X-MasSkokie, IL – As eager shoppers arrived at the Westfield mall before dawn this icy morning, they were greeted with an unusual sight: burning crosses. Then a group of white-hooded figures emerged from a windowless van and doffed their coats.

“The mall’s closed for Black Friday,” they declared shivering in the full regalia of the Klu Klux Klan. Grand Deputy Wizard Stu Jackwell stepped forward and denounced the creation of a new “African holiday.”

“Black history month wasn’t enough?” Jackwell demanded. “Now they want another day, and the Kenyan hands them affirmative action deals at the mall.”

The chapter’s newest member, former NFL offensive lineman Richie Incognito, stood blocking the doors against rushers. “They totally ruined eating at TGIF,” Incognito added. “And how about we get one like White Power Wednesday or Saturday’s alright for fighting like Elton John said?”

After updating his Facebook status, Jackwell also called on the growing crowd to “rise against the machines” on Cyber Monday. “Robots can take our jobs and pleasure our women,  but they can never take our freedom!”

Finally mall security opened up and informed the Klansmen that Black Friday applied to all shoppers. They immediately started running toward Macy’s. “These sheets are more summer wear,” Jackwell explained. “And there’s a doorbuster on down comforters.”