North Pole – Santa Claus will not be coming to town in the United States this Christmas. Kris Kringle learned today that he was rejected for a travel Visa due to his appearance on a “no-beard list.”
According to officials, the list was quietly implemented in recent weeks to bar entry to persons with facial hair over one inch in length. “Terrorists don’t shave,” said one official.
Santa’s workshop was eerily quiet after the news, as idle elves whispered amongst themselves about layoffs without the insatiable American market for useless crap. The big man himself was nowhere to be found, last seen walking out into the snow, shaking his head.
President Obama defended the no-beard list as a “necessary national security measure,” pointing out that it does not discriminate based on religion. Obama also announced that, with additional screening and a full-body cavity search, Mr. Kringle could receive an exemption and be removed from the list.
Meanwhile, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump declared that he would ban all incoming beards. “No goatees, no exceptions,” Trump said.
Trump also questioned Santa’s intentions. “The guy’s been living off the grid, with a bunch of midgets. He pops down the chimney, in the dead of night…there could be anything in those boxes.”
“We’re not canceling Christmas,” Trump continued. “It’s gonna be real classy. Bigger and better than ever. I know Jeff Bezos at Amazon—good friend of mine—we’ll work something out.”
Trump promised to pay for the presents himself. “Everybody gets a gun.”