Athens – Who needs Euros when you’ve got Gyros? Teetering on financial collapse, amidst empty ATMs and shuttered banks, Greece officially pulled out of the European Union today and declared hummus the national currency.
Jittery financial markets ticked upward, and hummus was trading well against the dollar with one liter of classic tahini garlic at $3.07.
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras announced that “slushie-style” machines were being installed at all major retailers of flip-flops.
“I’m rich!” cried Achilles Kousis, as he pushed a wheelbarrow brimming with white creamy kalamata olive spread through Omonia Square.
With vast reserves of chickpeas and olive oil, experts indicate that hummus could sustain the Greek economy indefinitely.
Prime Minister Tsipras also announced that “with the liquidity situation solved,” all Greek citizens could “take the rest of the summer off.”
Celebratory hummus fights immediately broke out across the nation, with Greeks gorging on everything from sun-dried tomato to basil artichoke spread.
As night fell, a carpet of creamy white covered this ancient city, and officials warned that hummus supplies were already running low. Economic Minister Yanis Varoufakis shook his head. “Well I guess we still have yogurt.”