Online Dating Profile Wins Pulitzer for Fiction

keyboard-nerd“I love my job, my dog :) and traveling the world,” read the profile of yolobro28 on the popular dating site, revealed Friday to belong to Simon Chester of Manhattan. According to sources, Mr. Chester, 35, is a low-level accountant who lives with a cat named Furry and does not own a passport.

Despite boasting online of his athletic build, six foot two frame, and a well-rounded personality, Chester appeared at the Pulitzer ceremony today a diminutive obese man. “He’s round alright,” said Clark Davis, a friend who reported that Chester spends 100% of his free time playing Magic the Gathering. “Like a bowling ball.”

After a string of unsuccessful first dates, Chester was nominated for the award, going to head to head with Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch, a coming-of-age novel that follows a grieving boy’s entanglement with a small famous painting that has eluded destruction.

Samantha Thompson, 38, came in third place for her “startlingly imaginative” Tinder profile, where the reclusive misanthrope boasted of her “amazing friends” and “love of cooking.” Ms. Thompson, who posted pictures from her high-school prom, does in fact have a a large collection of ketchup packets and plastic forks.

The Pulitzer Committee praised Chester’s “evocative abbreviation, clever wordplay, and well-placed emoticons.”  Several committee members confessed to sending Chester repeated messages on MutualFriends and never hearing back.

They singled out his tagline, “You only live ONCE–in this life,” as pure poetry.

At press-time, Chester was reportedly seen having an awkward conversation with Ms. Thompson.

ISIS Invites Ray Rice to Training Camp

Ray RicePraising his durability, yards after contact, and treatment of women, ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi invited Ray Rice to the group’s official training camp, to be held at an undisclosed location.

“Unlike most Americans, we like where his head’s at,” Al-Baghdadi said.

No stranger to viral videos, ISIS shared the TMZ footage of Rice striking his wife across their social media platforms, inspiring a rallying cry from members to extend an olive branch to the disgraced football player.

A representative of the former Raven said Mr. Rice was “exploring his options” and also considering the CFL. According to sources, Rice is a top target for the 2015 ISIS recruiting class, along with a Yemeni engineering student at MIT.

“High motor, explosive potential, great intangibles, and an American passport,” said one camp insider. “If he puts it all together, he can be really dangerous.”

Al-Qaeda is also reportedly high on Rice and has invited him to visit their training facilities. “Bunch of old men on monkey bars,” Al-Baghdadi said. Thanks to kidnapping ransoms, ISIS is prepared to offer Rice a lucrative free agent contract and signing bonus.

“What Ray Rice did was wrong,” ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnan al-Shami said. “He should not have apologized.”

“When a woman disobeys or disrespects you, Sharia says first admonish her, then beat, and then stone,” al-Shami continued. “Repeat as necessary, or until she stops moving.”

Al-Baghdadi welcomed Rice to join the team and do what he does best. “They can’t see a black eye when she’s wearing a veil,” he smiled.

Man Embarks on 100 Year Student Loan Repayment Plan

Back to SchoolAfter over a decade of late afternoon classes, consolidations, and deferrals, Thornton Melon made his first student loan payment today, and if all goes to plan, the recent grad should be debt free in 2114. “It’s a long journey to zero,” Melon admitted. “But I packed a suitcase full of knowledge.”

The journey began in 2002 at NYU, where Melon enrolled pre-law. “College was a bit of a blur,” Melon said. After graduation, the 1980’s Cinema major dipped his toes into the job market. “But I wasn’t about to work 40 hours a week,” he said. Instead, he obtained a generous new loan from the the federal government and returned to school for an MFA in Interpretive Haiku. “Before I knew it, I was a quarter mil in the hole.”

When Chubby Rain, his book of prose and poetry, failed to find a publisher, Melon briefly considered declaring bankruptcy, before learning that his student loans would be unaffected. “That’s when I decided to double down and go PhD,” Melon continued. “You gotta spend money to make money.” He earned a doctorate in Star Trek Literature Post-Shatner and then looked for a job with the help of his old high school guidance counselor. “Mr. Terguson really cares,” he said. “About what I have no idea.”

Still, Melon is confident that investing in his education will pay off. “Sure I could have started a business with the 500K, or bought the Batmobile, but who was gonna give a guy like me a loan for that? Besides, work experience is overrated. Now I’ve got the tools to think outside the box, like living in a cardboard one.”

On Monday Melon wrote Uncle Sam a check for $417 dollars, which he says, “probably won’t bounce.” He now has 1,199 monthly payments remaining and insists he’s good for it. “With advances in cyborg technology, I could easily go another century.”

Informed that interest over 100 years would bring the loan balance to approximately 1.2 million dollars, Melon dusted off an old LSAT study guide and shrugged. “I always wanted to try law school.”

Freed Taliban Prisoners to Start Food Truck

Halal HermanosQatar – Fresh out of Guantanamo from the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap, five battle-hardened Taliban commandos are now declaring Jihad on hunger. Their food truck, “Halal Hermanos,” is set to debut in downtown Doha this afternoon.

“Weren’t not just another white sauce hot sauce joint,” said Mohammad Fazl, a former mujahideen warrior and now the group’s spokesman. “This is real Afghan food, with a Cuban-American twist. Yeah we do schwarma, chicken and rice, the classics, but how about a side of sweet plantains or asiago truffle fries? Boom.”

While some of their compatriots were being force-fed, the five Taliban were watching Food Network, tinkering with recipes, and working on a detailed business plan. With negotiations for the release of Bergdahl at a standstill, the group finally made their pitch to American and Qatari diplomats, including a sample tasting menu. “I was sweating bullets,” Fazl said.

Rave reviews put the prisoner swap on fast-track, and the group turned to soliciting start-up capital. “Starting a business with your own money is like starting a land war in Asia,” CFO Abdul Haq Wasiq said. Fortunately, they were able to get financing from Qatari oil shieks affiliated with the Haqqani network. “We’ve used them before,” Wasiq winked.

Amidst a firestorm of criticism, President Obama defended the exchange, hailing the trained killers as small business owners. “They are no longer a clear and present danger, except to the competition,” Obama said. The President cited their years working in cramped conditions and “roadside expertise” as a recipe for success.

“We blow you away, with flavor,” head chef Mullah Norullah Noori promised. And if all goes well, the food truck will be coming soon to America, along with a secret weapon. Noori updated the truck’s Twitter feed and smiled. “Siracha.”

“Business Nude” Dress Code Starting to Take Off

Business NudeSan Francisco – They say that one of the tricks to successful public speaking is to imagine everyone in the audience undressed. Now a growing number of Bay area businesses are asking, why not just get naked?

Every day Brett Stevenson boards the company shuttle bus with flip-flops, an iPad, organic coffee, and no pants. After spreading out a sanitary seat cover, he sprawls out and checks his email. “Gotta let the boys breathe,” he said.

Then at the Mountain View headquarters of Cumulus, a new cloud-based content aggregation platform, Stevenson walks into the wide open “energy hub” on the main floor and takes a seat amid a dozen other naked men and women. There are no walls, and the swivel chairs are made with a proprietary odor-resistant mesh.

“We like to say our culture is collegial, ” Cumulus guru Chaz Michaels beamed. “Not just an open door policy. No doors. No walls. No clothes. No limits.”

But according to workplace experts, office nudity may threaten productivity and provoke sexual harassment. “Your bottom does not contribute to the bottom line,” business consultant Dave Green said. “Unless you’re a stripper.”

To Michaels, that thinking is as outdated as dial-up modems. “In twenty years we went from business to business casual, to smart casual,” he continued, bending over in downward dog on a yoga mat. “It’s time to get just plain casual.”

Clippers Owner Top Vote Getter for Live Execution

American DeathHollywood – Just minutes after opening online polls for this week’s episode, the website for the controversial show American Death crashed today due to unprecedented traffic. Early results show L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling receiving 99.9% of votes for execution, with no votes against.

“This was an easy one,” said host Damien Killian, who joined the show after a stint on Family Feud. “I mean I’d pull the trigger myself.”

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver hailed the vote as a “slam-dunk for our progressive multicultural democracy.” As to rumors the league is investigating the Minnesota Timberwolves for regularly starting three white players, the Commissioner declined to comment.

American Death was originally launched on PBS for the humane termination of criminals after several botched state executions. “Practice makes perfect,” Killian said. Each week viewers could vote for a criminal from America’s Best Death Row and choose the method of execution. Hanging quickly became a crowd favorite, followed closely by firing squad, with the chair a distant third.

PBS is now the most watched television station in the world, with American Death spawning imitators including Canada’s Got Bullets! and Putin Strangles You in Russia. Advertising revenue has allowed for across the board tax cuts and boosted President Obama’s approval ratings to 49%.

After the Sterling audiotape outed the NBA owner as an unabashed racist, Creative Artists Agency brokered a deal with the Justice Department to open the Death Row list to “special talent.” Specifically, any individual receiving more than one million votes, with less than one percent of votes against, is now eligible for an “on-air appearance.”

The Sterling execution is set for broadcast Saturday during half-time of the Clippers Warriors playoff game, following the juggling act of a golden retriever. With ratings expected to top the Super Bowl, producers are already looking for the next star of American Death.

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder was reportedly seen boarding his private plane in the dead of night.

Groundhog Ritually Sacrificed for Early Spring

Groundhog DayAfter yet another storm dumped a foot of snow overnight, Punxsutawney Phil was dragged back out of his hole today and eviscerated before a restive crowd cheering for an end to winter. Wearing a black robe, Mayor Connors carved out the rodent’s heart with an obsidian knife, before biting into the beating flesh.

“Bring us an early spring,” the Mayor demanded looking skyward, his mouth stained red. “For the old Gods and the new, for jean shorts and Crocs, we commit this false idol to eternal repeating damnation.” The mayor cast the carcass into a bonfire as townspeople huddled around for warmth.

Sunday, the so-called seer of seers and prognosticator of prognosticators had glimpsed his shadow, foretelling another six weeks of winter. The finding was cited by several Republicans as “hard evidence” that global warming is a hoax.

“The woodchuck has spoken,” said Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. “Science can’t change that. He died for our sins. Who are we to question his wisdom?”

Followers claim Punxsutawney Phil was over 124 years old at his death and owed his longevity to a magical elixir imbibed every summer. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, Phil’s predictions had been correct 39% of the time.

“Hit a baseball that often and you go to the hall of fame and have your head frozen at Alcor,” Senator Cruz said.

Later this week several other animals are expected to make a forecast, including a duck-billed platypus and a large squirrel. Cruz dismissed all the impostors. “We believe in one fur-covered mammal and his kingdom will have no end.”

Mayor Connors was not so sure. “I just want to see a woman without a parka,” he said. “Let me make a suggestion to that platypus: tread lightly.”