Santa Claus Barred From U.S. Travel

l_shutterstock_sad-santa_1200x675North Pole – Santa Claus will not be coming to town in the United States this Christmas. Kris Kringle learned today that he was rejected for a travel Visa due to his appearance on a “no-beard list.”

According to officials, the list was quietly implemented in recent weeks to bar entry to persons with facial hair over one inch in length. “Terrorists don’t shave,” said one official.

Santa’s workshop was eerily quiet after the news, as idle elves whispered amongst themselves about layoffs without the insatiable American market for useless crap. The big man himself was nowhere to be found, last seen walking out into the snow, shaking his head.

President Obama defended the no-beard list as a “necessary national security measure,” pointing out that it does not discriminate based on religion. Obama also announced that, with additional screening and a full-body cavity search, Mr. Kringle could receive an exemption and be removed from the list.

Meanwhile, presidential candidate Donald J. Trump declared that he would ban all incoming beards. “No goatees, no exceptions,” Trump said.

Trump also questioned Santa’s intentions. “The guy’s been living off the grid, with a bunch of midgets. He pops down the chimney, in the dead of night…there could be anything in those boxes.”

“We’re not canceling Christmas,” Trump continued. “It’s gonna be real classy. Bigger and better than ever. I know Jeff Bezos at Amazon—good friend of mine—we’ll work something out.”

Trump promised to pay for the presents himself. “Everybody gets a gun.”

Zuckerberg Pledges Fortune for Tango & Cash Sequel

483297-zuck-chinese-speechMenlo Park, CA – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that he would immediately liquidate 99% percent of his company shares to “fast-track” a sequel to the 1989 hit action comedy Tango & Cash.

“The world needs heroes,” Zuckerberg wrote in an open letter to stars Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. “Raymond Tango and Gabriel Cash are not just gun-toting police officers. They’re people, who kick some major-league ass.”

“One’s a slick suit with a stockbroker, the other’s a wise-cracking renegade with a mullet. But they’re both good cops. And they overcome their differences to work together and kill Jack Palance. We can all learn from that.”

“You had to wonder what they did after the big shoot-out at the quarry,” Zuckerberg continued. “Did they partner up?  Maybe open a cool bar? Did Cash keep seeing Tango’s sister?”

Zuckerberg’s wife, Dr. Priscilla Chan, was skeptical of the investment and encouraged the philanthropist to pursue “more options.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly penning a letter to Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, and Tom Selleck.

Local Man Refuses to Turn Clock Back One Hour

New York – Bravely refusing to give in and “fall back,” Travis Chester entered his sixth consecutive “sol” of unadjusted timekeeping today, rising at the same hour he has since spring.

All week he has arrived at work “early” at eight in the morning, and management has taken notice. “The guy is really getting after it,” supervisor Dale Walters said. Colleagues, however, report that he also checks out daily at 4 p.m.

Chester makes no apologies. “The subway is less crowded, and it’s still light out.”

Presidential candidate Ben Carson hailed Chester as a hero for defying government regulation. “There’s no DST in the Bible,” Carson declared. “You put a stick in the mud and make a sundial.”

Meanwhile, Mayor de Blasio, known for regularly snoozing until noon, called for a new timekeeping system, three hours later than Eastern Standard Time.

Chester plans to stick to his schedule. “My body knows what time it is,” he said.  “Plus, I can’t fix the timer on my coffee machine.”

Feta Declared New Greek Currency

Feta FightAthens – Who needs cheddar when you’ve got feta? Teetering on financial collapse, amidst empty ATMs and shuttered banks, Greece officially pulled out of the European Union today and declared feta cheese the national currency.

Jittery financial markets ticked upward, and feta was trading well against the dollar with one liter of brined white curds at $3.07.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras announced that “gumball-style” machines were being installed at all major retailers of flip-flops.

“I’m rich!” cried Achilles Kousis, as he pushed an overflowing wheelbarrow through Omonia Square, leaving a trail of cheesy pearls.

With vast reserves of sheep and goat’s milk, experts indicate that feta could sustain the Greek economy indefinitely.

Prime Minister Tsipras also announced that “with the liquidity situation solved,” all Greek citizens could “take the rest of the summer off.”

Celebratory feta fights immediately broke out across the nation, with Greeks gorging on fistfuls of soft curds and building “snow-men” in the streets.

As night fell, a carpet of crumbly white covered this ancient city, and officials warned that feta supplies were already running low. Economic Minister Yanis Varoufakis shook his head.  “Well I guess we still have yogurt.”

Donald Trump Outed As Black Man

Trump for PresidentNew York – Confronted with his high-school year book photo, Donald Trump admitted today that he is in fact a black man pretending to be white. “It was just a smart business decision,” Trump declared to a crowd of supporters. “Look at me, I’m rich!”

“And I identify as white,” Trump continued. “I golf with them. I married two. Sometimes I even draw pictures of myself with a peach crayon.”

But Jeb Bush castigated Trump for “living a lie” and deceiving the American people. “He hasn’t been through our struggle,” Bush said. “The Mayflower, killing the Indians, slavery, Beverly Hills 90210. It’s not just gap jeans and frozen yogurt. He can listen to Garth Brooks, but can he really hear him?”

Sources confirmed that Trump started “bleaching” in college, much to the dismay of his friends and family in East Harlem, where he was known as Donnie “Spades” Trump. A reverse afro operation left him with a disfigured helmet of hair, but Trump turned it into his trademark.

“I don’t get pulled over or shot by the cops, you know it’s great!” Trump said. “That’s the American dream baby, you can be whatever you want to be.”

Asked for comment, Caitlyn Jenner reportedly said Trump was “taking things a little too far.”

Man Breaks Ground On “Self-Museum”

Self MusumTopeka – Calling it his “life’s work,” 28-year-old Arthur Chesterfield broke ground today on a museum dedicated to himself. “This is for posterity,” he announced, as his mother looked on shaking her head.

Chesterfield, an assistant manager at Pizza Hut, live-streamed the ceremony across his social media accounts, and released a digital museum guide describing the “historical attractions” to be displayed in bullet-proof glass cases.

Highlights include an original copy of Chesterfield’s first grade cursive writing test, which earned an A+ with two star stickers, and 32 rare photographs from Chesterfield’s 2005 vacation to Myrtle Beach. The “Hall of Sport” will feature a “game-worn” jersey from the 1993 Topeka Comets youth soccer team. And a Hall of Mirrors will allow visitors to “enter the headspace” of Mr. Chesterfield.

Chesterfield reportedly embarked on the project when his mother asked him to clean out his old room, and he could not bear to part with any “pieces of history.” So he decided to take over the backyard and “build his Graceland.”

“Some day, probably soon, all of this will be very important. People will line up, and spend hours here, trying to really get to know me,” he said.

Chesterfield’s mom sighed. “Quit playing with yourself and take out the trash.”

NCAA “Time Cops” to Prevent Past Violations

Time Cop!The NCAA has reportedly sent two men back in time to stop rules violations, before they happen. Their first mission: to stop former Syracuse basketball player Eric Devendorf from getting a “discounted tattoo,” in the year 2007.

“It’s a matter of grave importance,” NCAA chairman Joe Castiglione said. “The sanctity of education, amateur sport, and society itself, hang in the balance.”

Time travel is now possible thanks to an extraordinary breakthrough by the top-secret “Indianapolis Project,” rumored to be funded by the NCAA’s 11 billion dollar television contract for its signature postseason tournament.

The new division of Pre-Violation is specifically targeting “academic fraud, improper benefits, and unauthorized recreational play.”

Scientists, warn however, that any significant changes to the past could rip apart the space-time continuum and plunge the modern world into a nightmarish abyss.

“Have you been to Syracuse in February?” time cop Jean C. Van Damme asked.

A second team is preparing to venture to Chapel Hill circa 2004 to investigate the University of North Carolina, with strict orders not to stray into Durham.

“There’s a very real chance Rashad McCants may skip class,” Castiglione warned. “In the college years, the brain is like an alcohol-soaked sponge, which can also soak up knowledge. We must get back in time.”

Orange Coach Jim Boeheim excoriated the “time bandits,” but offered that the team could retroactively self-sanction during the 1996-1997 NIT season for any newfound pre-violations.

According to sources, Van Damme also volunteered to travel back to Penn State in 1994 and “roundhouse Sandusky,” but the NCAA refused, citing the space-time continuum.

Insignificant indeed.