Hummus Declared New Greek Currency

Athens – Who needs Euros when you’ve got Gyros? Teetering on financial collapse, amidst empty ATMs and shuttered banks, Greece officially pulled out of the European Union today and declared hummus the national currency.

Jittery financial markets ticked upward, and hummus was trading well against the dollar with one liter of classic tahini garlic at $3.07.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras announced that “slushie-style” machines were being installed at all major retailers of flip-flops.

“I’m rich!” cried Achilles Kousis, as he pushed a wheelbarrow brimming with white creamy kalamata olive spread through Omonia Square.

With vast reserves of chickpeas and olive oil, experts indicate that hummus could sustain the Greek economy indefinitely.

Prime Minister Tsipras also announced that “with the liquidity situation solved,” all Greek citizens could “take the rest of the summer off.”

Celebratory hummus fights immediately broke out across the nation, with Greeks gorging on everything from sun-dried tomato to basil artichoke spread.

As night fell, a carpet of creamy white covered this ancient city, and officials warned that hummus supplies were already running low. Economic Minister Yanis Varoufakis shook his head.  “Well I guess we still have yogurt.”

Donald Trump Outed As Black Man

Trump for PresidentNew York – Confronted with his high-school year book photo, Donald Trump admitted today that he is in fact a black man pretending to be white. “It was just a smart business decision,” Trump declared to a crowd of supporters. “Look at me, I’m rich!”

“And I identify as white,” Trump continued. “I golf with them. I married two. Sometimes I even draw pictures of myself with a peach crayon.”

But Jeb Bush castigated Trump for “living a lie” and deceiving the American people. “He hasn’t been through our struggle,” Bush said. “The Mayflower, killing the Indians, slavery, Beverly Hills 90210. It’s not just gap jeans and frozen yogurt. He can listen to Garth Brooks, but can he really hear him?”

Sources confirmed that Trump started “bleaching” in college, much to the dismay of his friends and family in East Harlem, where he was known as Donnie “Spades” Trump. A reverse afro operation left him with a disfigured helmet of hair, but Trump turned it into his trademark.

“I don’t get pulled over or shot by the cops, you know it’s great!” Trump said. “That’s the American dream baby, you can be whatever you want to be.”

Asked for comment, Caitlyn Jenner reportedly said Trump was “taking things a little too far.”

Man Breaks Ground On “Self-Museum”

Self MusumTopeka – Calling it his “life’s work,” 28-year-old Arthur Chesterfield broke ground today on a museum dedicated to himself. “This is for posterity,” he announced, as his mother looked on shaking her head.

Chesterfield, an assistant manager at Pizza Hut, live-streamed the ceremony across his social media accounts, and released a digital museum guide describing the “historical attractions” to be displayed in bullet-proof glass cases.

Highlights include an original copy of Chesterfield’s first grade cursive writing test, which earned an A+ with two star stickers, and 32 rare photographs from Chesterfield’s 2005 vacation to Myrtle Beach. The “Hall of Sport” will feature a “game-worn” jersey from the 1993 Topeka Comets youth soccer team. And a Hall of Mirrors will allow visitors to “enter the headspace” of Mr. Chesterfield.

Chesterfield reportedly embarked on the project when his mother asked him to clean out his old room, and he could not bear to part with any “pieces of history.” So he decided to take over the backyard and “build his Graceland.”

“Some day, probably soon, all of this will be very important. People will line up, and spend hours here, trying to really get to know me,” he said.

Chesterfield’s mom sighed. “Quit playing with yourself and take out the trash.”

NCAA “Time Cops” to Prevent Past Violations

Time Cop!The NCAA has reportedly sent two men back in time to stop rules violations, before they happen. Their first mission: to stop former Syracuse basketball player Eric Devendorf from getting a “discounted tattoo,” in the year 2007.

“It’s a matter of grave importance,” NCAA chairman Joe Castiglione said. “The sanctity of education, amateur sport, and society itself, hang in the balance.”

Time travel is now possible thanks to an extraordinary breakthrough by the top-secret “Indianapolis Project,” rumored to be funded by the NCAA’s 11 billion dollar television contract for its signature postseason tournament.

The new division of Pre-Violation is specifically targeting “academic fraud, improper benefits, and unauthorized recreational play.”

Scientists, warn however, that any significant changes to the past could rip apart the space-time continuum and plunge the modern world into a nightmarish abyss.

“Have you been to Syracuse in February?” time cop Jean C. Van Damme asked.

A second team is preparing to venture to Chapel Hill circa 2004 to investigate the University of North Carolina, with strict orders not to stray into Durham.

“There’s a very real chance Rashad McCants may skip class,” Castiglione warned. “In the college years, the brain is like an alcohol-soaked sponge, which can also soak up knowledge. We must get back in time.”

Orange Coach Jim Boeheim excoriated the “time bandits,” but offered that the team could retroactively self-sanction during the 1996-1997 NIT season for any newfound pre-violations.

According to sources, Van Damme also volunteered to travel back to Penn State in 1994 and “roundhouse Sandusky,” but the NCAA refused, citing the space-time continuum.

Insignificant indeed.

Online Dating Profile Wins Pulitzer for Fiction

keyboard-nerd“I love my job, my dog :) and traveling the world,” read the profile of yolobro28 on the popular dating site MutualFriends.com, revealed Friday to belong to Simon Chester of Manhattan. According to sources, Mr. Chester, 35, is a low-level accountant who lives with a cat named Furry and does not own a passport.

Despite boasting online of his athletic build, six foot two frame, and a well-rounded personality, Chester appeared at the Pulitzer ceremony today a diminutive obese man. “He’s round alright,” said Clark Davis, a friend who reported that Chester spends 100% of his free time playing Magic the Gathering. “Like a bowling ball.”

After a string of unsuccessful first dates, Chester was nominated for the award, going to head to head with Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch, a coming-of-age novel that follows a grieving boy’s entanglement with a small famous painting that has eluded destruction.

Samantha Thompson, 38, came in third place for her “startlingly imaginative” Tinder profile, where the reclusive misanthrope boasted of her “amazing friends” and “love of cooking.” Ms. Thompson, who posted pictures from her high-school prom, does have an extensive collection of ketchup packets and knows several delivery men by name.

The Pulitzer Committee praised Chester’s “evocative abbreviation, clever wordplay, and well-placed emoticons.”  Several committee members confessed to sending Chester repeated messages on MutualFriends and never hearing back.

They singled out his tagline, “You only live ONCE–in this life,” as pure poetry.

At press-time, Chester was reportedly seen having an awkward conversation with Ms. Thompson.

ISIS Invites Ray Rice to Training Camp

Ray RicePraising his durability, yards after contact, and treatment of women, ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi invited Ray Rice to the group’s official training camp, to be held at an undisclosed location.

“Unlike most Americans, we like where his head’s at,” Al-Baghdadi said.

No stranger to viral videos, ISIS shared the TMZ footage of Rice striking his wife across their social media platforms, inspiring a rallying cry from members to extend an olive branch to the disgraced football player.

A representative of the former Raven said Mr. Rice was “exploring his options” and also considering the CFL. According to sources, Rice is a top target for the 2015 ISIS recruiting class, along with a Yemeni engineering student at MIT.

“High motor, explosive potential, great intangibles, and an American passport,” said one camp insider. “If he puts it all together, he can be really dangerous.”

Al-Qaeda is also reportedly high on Rice and has invited him to visit their training facilities. “Bunch of old men on monkey bars,” Al-Baghdadi said. Thanks to kidnapping ransoms, ISIS is prepared to offer Rice a lucrative free agent contract and signing bonus.

“What Ray Rice did was wrong,” ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnan al-Shami said. “He should not have apologized.”

“When a woman disobeys or disrespects you, Sharia says first admonish her, then beat, and then stone,” al-Shami continued. “Repeat as necessary, or until she stops moving.”

Al-Baghdadi welcomed Rice to join the team and do what he does best. “They can’t see a black eye when she’s wearing a veil,” he smiled.

Man Embarks on 100 Year Student Loan Repayment Plan

Back to SchoolAfter over a decade of late afternoon classes, consolidations, and deferrals, Thornton Melon made his first student loan payment today, and if all goes to plan, the recent grad should be debt free in 2114. “It’s a long journey to zero,” Melon admitted. “But I packed a suitcase full of knowledge.”

The journey began in 2002 at NYU, where Melon enrolled pre-law. “College was a bit of a blur,” Melon said. After graduation, the 1980’s Cinema major dipped his toes into the job market. “But I wasn’t about to work 40 hours a week,” he said. Instead, he obtained a generous new loan from the the federal government and returned to school for an MFA in Interpretive Haiku. “Before I knew it, I was a quarter mil in the hole.”

When Chubby Rain, his book of prose and poetry, failed to find a publisher, Melon briefly considered declaring bankruptcy, before learning that his student loans would be unaffected. “That’s when I decided to double down and go PhD,” Melon continued. “You gotta spend money to make money.” He earned a doctorate in Star Trek Literature Post-Shatner and then looked for a job with the help of his old high school guidance counselor. “Mr. Terguson really cares,” he said. “About what I have no idea.”

Still, Melon is confident that investing in his education will pay off. “Sure I could have started a business with the 500K, or bought the Batmobile, but who was gonna give a guy like me a loan for that? Besides, work experience is overrated. Now I’ve got the tools to think outside the box, like living in a cardboard one.”

On Monday Melon wrote Uncle Sam a check for $417 dollars, which he says, “probably won’t bounce.” He now has 1,199 monthly payments remaining and insists he’s good for it. “With advances in cyborg technology, I could easily go another century.”

Informed that interest over 100 years would bring the loan balance to approximately 1.2 million dollars, Melon dusted off an old LSAT study guide and shrugged. “I always wanted to try law school.”